Howay the Killie!

If Killie were an English premiership team we would be Newcastle, yeah, I am pretty sure we are the Scottish equivalent of the Toon Army.

I say this because some of the similarities are glaringly obvious, we both turn out on most Saturdays resplendent in stripes and their fanatical fans hate Middlesboro and our fanatical fans hate Middlesboro, or that may just be me. We all have unexplainable hatred of different teams and mines is them.

Anyway, more seriously; we both made triumphant returns to the top division in the 90s after a fair spell in the lower leagues at the hands of a legend, a player who was made famous at more illustrious clubs certainly but were real legends at ours. If you don’t know who I am alluding to, King Kevin Keegan led Newcastle to the promised land of the English Premiership, he was a famous successful player for Liverpool but the Messiah on Tyneside. TB was a Celtic bhoy and hero of the jungle certainly but a but a bone fide Killie Legend all the same. RIP TB.

Since we both made it back to the top division we have had relatively decent success, at Killie we have had top four finishes, hell in one season we were even in contention of the league, at Christmas we were in with a real chance, sadly we faltered for a multitude of reasons but then we were a team with real SPL potential, one of the shining lights, we saw European football on more than one token occasion and our fans did us proud when travelling abroad. Newcastle too had great seasons, Champions league football has taken place on the Toon a fair few times and what about the famous “I would love it if we beat them” season when they blew a massive lead and gave Man U the title, as desperate as that looks now at least they had a chance, like we had a chance.

In the last few years our teams have also had similar paths, bottom half teams who seem to flatter to deceive, fail to deliver on potential. So on and so on. Our squads seem to be nothing like the ones we used to be able to assemble, gone is the extravagance of before and now we simply have to accept what we get. Newcastle once signed Ginola, Asprilla, Albert, now they sign Habib Beye (?) Cacapa (?) Xisco (?) signed on the most part by folk that arent the manager. Nowhere near the what they had before, or they get players, international players, who seem to be the real deal but they get them for nothing in January and so maybe you wonder why they arent costing a bean, mr Peter Lovenkrands please stand up. Look at us, Pascali; is he really what we always dreamed of in a tough tackling midfielder, Danny Invincibile is a vital cog in our machine but for the most part he seems to be nothing but the polar opposite of his second name. And our players seem to come on recommendations from strange sources, Pasca from Stefano Salvatori and we nearly had some chap called merlin who came highly recommended by Fitzroy Simpson! When we had a bit of dough we signed Iain Durrant, Ally McCoist, Pat Nevin, Christophe Cocard! Granted the financial restraints in Scotland put paid to that but still, I am beginning to think in the deeply depressed state im in that none of our present crop of signings could lace Jerome Vareilles boots! Oh and our Lovenkrands parallel could be Kevin Kyle, it cant all be everyone elses fault big man, if we got you for free and now your up here and cant seem to click with any other strikers or players it might just be you pal.

And now this season we both find ourselves at time of writing in 3rd bottom position, slightly more perilous for them than us as 3rd botom means you drop but nonetheless I feel we are eachy peachy, were both in a dog fight which contains a oddly large amount of clubs and all fixtures involving all clubs involved mean so much, 6 pointers appear weekly. Possibly a run of 2 victories in a row would see us safe, or three over the course of the remaining fixtures, afew draws in there too would help. And it is possible, it has to be. I mean for us, we havent won since the last fixture in December, surely history prevents us from sealing our fate, no team goes down with such a lack of fight, not one win in the second half of the year, I cant remember it happeneing, so if we cant get ourselves out this mess ourselves history surely (hopefully) will save us, were not that interesting to become a future quiz question I don’t think. Newcastle are pretty much ditto.

Were both in a situation where if we go down we wont be missed by those we leave behind, most premiership fans that I have heard from would be happy if a “big gun” like Newcastle went down. Same goes with us, it may not be with such vitriol but even still I cant see anyone being that bothered. Other wee similarities both our managers spent time off the sidelines due to illness, ours was merely a week or so while theres has taken the rest of the season off.

And in his place who do they get? Only Alan Shearer! Untried as a manager and only in for the last 8 games but as far as quick fix ideas go it’s a masterstroke, I mean if they stay up he is a legend and if they go down then who will really blame Alan Shearer? Chairman Mike Ashley has came in for some serious stick from his own supporters this season, the cockney mafia scenes from earlier this season regarding Dennis Wises part in transfers the walkout of King Kev again due to transfer dealings so much so that Ashley wasn’t seen at St James for months and months, even when Keegan took over and when he left Shearer was reported to say he would never work with Ashley, well this has changed and Shearer is in. Who would bet against Newcastle staying up with him in charge, at the very least he will gain the utmost respect of all proffesionals in his charge, and they will know what it means to play for Newcastle if they are playing for him.

Us? Could we follow that system? And if so, who? Monty would be a probable answer, and why not, if any sort of gimmick was going to work and if it was what fans wanted then he would be a fantastic choice. Like Kinnear just put JJ out to rest till the summer and try something fresh. I am sure that in training Monty could show even at his age that he is far fitter than our guff are, and he could have a word on Combes shell about his attitude toward the fans who pay to watch him play, that stuff wont fly anymore, and Simon Ford would get the rocket up his arse he def needs and all in all these guys would maybe get a feeling of the true meaning of wearing the squirrels on their chest because unlike it would seem us, they would have to listen to him because he would be the boss. It would be like having one of our own in there.

I suppose this brings it down to the main difference between us and them. Our chairmen. Both vilified for their own specific reasons, are what separate us from them. Mike Ashley for all his failings to the fans still wants to be liked and still wants to be respected and o right by his fans and team, so he has dealt with the Wise situation and took all the blockers out the way to allow Shearer to become temporary manager in the hope of steering them to safety. Mike Ashley wants his fans to love him and is doing all he can to secure that love. Our chairman seems not to give a shit about us and seems blasé about the fact that we could easily slip into an obscurity we may never come back from.

So there you have it, a thinly veiled pop at the chairman.

(an unapologetic) Ruud Kerouac
Killie Beat Writer

Reasons to be Fearful, 1,2,3

Article appeared in Killie Hippo 87 (out 21st March 09)

Well, I sit here typing with the Radio Scotland sport player thing pumping out the speaker, on it I have the Killie game v Inverness, as you can gather I am not there. Its not yet half time and were down two nil. If anyone is in any doubt yet (mr Jim Jeffries and your top six comments for the papers listen up) relegation is very much a reality for us this season.

This could be the end of our fifteen year stay in the Scottish top division, and some people think this could be good, premier league football has become boring and the novelty has long since wore off so a season in the first could be the thing that reignites the Kilmarnock fan, the thing that shakes off the apathy that is clearly cloaking our loyal support. In my opinion it wont, relegation my friends would be the first step into the oblivion.

Lets have a look at our squad, because the way I understand it, the people who have a wee feeling that a season in the first would be good also feel that just one season would be good, no more, a season in which we end it with a full Rugby Park celebrating a League Championship trophy clearly and then a triumphant return to the premier claiming that the first couldn’t hold us and it was merely a season to sort ourselves out. Well sorry but with what squad do we think that this could possibly be done with? Our stand out player this season, Craig Bryson, would be long gone, a tiny fee no doubt agreed due to the desperate need for cash due to our relegation.

I interrupt this article to bring news of Killie grabbing a goal back, and now its half time. 2-1 down.

Back to the squad, I could go through them all, player by player and show that we couldn’t afford to keep this squad (and why would we want to I suppose) we would need to sell a fair chunk for peanuts in a bid to stay afloat, Kevin Kyle, gone. Mehdi Taouil, gone. I would also see the likes of Hamill and Flannigan gone, plus Danny Invincibile would def be off, I am sure that since it would be a world cup year he would need to be playing in a top flight of some sort in order to put himself in the national managers plans! Combe? He would be off. Pascali? I really do think that our carcass would have the bones picked by any vultures circling and with our administration there would be no way for us fans to stop it. The players we would bring in I cant imagine would set the heather alight. Rascle, Murray, Hay, Ford and Lilley? A goalie and back four that any reader thinks could form the backbone of a championship winning team? I dread to think what would play in front of them!

Also would we keep our manager? I would like to think that they would fall on their swords and allow someone else to try sort us out but who would we get? Dick Campbell perhaps? Probably not as he has a contract, no, we would scour the market for some out of work punter who works a Sunday on BBC Scotland on the weeks that Celtic or Rangers aren’t playing (I am not particularly alluding to anyone more highlighting that this is a b it of a graveyard shift, I seem to remember Jim Lauchlan doing a bit of punditry on such days) as we wouldn’t want to pay an compensation. Or we keep JJ and BB but are they ready for the fight for promotion? my gut feeling is no, frankly I am of the opinion that they are past their sell by date for us in the premier so a drop and them staying at the helm for me is unthinkable.

Its not exactly a guarantee that we would go straight back up as well, look at the teams who have dropped before us, for all Dundee Utd and Hibs seemed to have a great time when down look at Dunfermline, St Johnstone and Dundee. They are teams with history like us who have struggled to get back to the top. I feel we would end up like them rather than the Hibs and DU’s. Look too, down south a similar thing happens, Southampton, Sheffield Wednesday, Coventry City god Wimbledon! This could definitely be us. What happens is when the money that you get in the top div dries up you either have a go or cut your cloth accordingly, frankly were in such a dire financial state that if we decided to cut our cloth accordingly then we would end up with a team of juniors and if we went hell for leather then we would end up playing in the juniors.

So lets say we do go down and we do get to play all sorts of new and interesting teams, visit places we havent been to in many a long year, plus the possibility with the scum riding high in the second of playing them four times next season, I mean after the excitement of the cup games this year surely sky would want to pick up all four matches since it has proven to be the best match seen on its channels so far this year. Would crowds really improve? Would we see a return of the fans who vowed never to go back? Would the gate reciepts get a dunt since the boring inevitability has been altered by our new 1st division status? I would say most probably no. the only thing that brings the fans back is a winning team and I for one would rather see that winning team in the Premier. There is no guarantees for it in the first. it’s a possibility yes but not a guarantee. The money coming in wouldn’t improve as some of the first division teams have the same apathy with their situation as we do with ours, I cant really see them coming through to us to follow their team, tiny crowds I would expect from Livi, Dunfermline, and more. We would no doubt end up hanging our entire cash flow form tickets on our two games at home to Ayr. No sorry, this wont work.

Final score is 2-1 against us.

Right I am going to tie this up as its depressing and writing stuff that is depressing isn’t good for the soul, especially on a Saturday night. Relegation after todays result is a reality, this season unlike others there is no Gretna, no Livi where they are teams with little or no history (Inverness excepted I suppose but they have proved their credentials as a SPL side more than Livi ever did) were in a dogfight and whoever goes down I feel would be missed from the league. In the history of the SPL we are the 4th highest point scorers (records from beginning of season, think were now 5th), this is one of the richest most successful chapters of our clubs history, relegation I think would signal that chapter ending. Sure I do see the good side of going down, a chance to regroup as a fan base, see different places and reignite in the young fans bellies a rivalry with our county cousins that they seem to think exists with us and the old firm. But really it can do us no good.

I have written this thing and tried to look at scenarios that would happen if we went down under the proviso that we would actually survive, but I suppose there is always the chance we didn’t. the fact is that our financial position is so dire that it would take some serious changes at the highest level for us to continue if we went down. That probably sounds alright, a big change, kind of like the last time we were relegated some 20 years ago on the final day of the season at Palmerston but sadly there is no one coming in like then, no Fleetings with big plans just a MJ looking into things. So that could actually be it, an end to all things Killie, we go to the wall and we all look for other things to do on a Saturday, other websites to check when were skiving from our work. It could happen and relegation is what could push it to the brink.

Please let us survive.

Ruud Kerouac
Killie Beat Writer

It Hurts

Article appeared in Killie Hippo 86 (out 14th February 09)

Do you know, I am hopefully off to Canada to live for a year in the next few months, I have preliminarily sorted a visa and have the final forms and all that to fill out. I cant wait, I really cant. Anyway, I am going to make a confession, in the past few weeks and months since this Canada business picked up pace I had been thinking about the Scottish Cup final and us in it, and thinking about waiting off booking flights and even getting my forms away so that my leaving date coincides with the final or making sure I have enough money weaselled away without the girlfriend (travel partner) getting to suspicious so that if it came to it and I was away I could afford to bring myself back for a weekend to see us in the final. I had a wee sneaky feeling about it all, had almost convinced myself.

I was in Inverness on Saturday and now feel like a tit for thinking all that.

What a load of crap that performance was, a club from chairman down who seem not to care a jot about the fans who follow them in numbers big and small. Its time our Killie got behind us, the fans, for a change and stood up for us instead of continually asking for it the other way. Saturday Hurt.

Lets see who we are talking about here, the notoriously fickle hard to please Killie fans, yes that’s us, we turn out in numbers regular but never get any credit in the press. At away games we consistently turn out better than the fans who visit Rugby Park but get no credit (but who cares) when at home we are constantly (in my opinion) short changed by penny pinching club officials who for my money doctor the attendances as wee homers. What happens then is journos and pundits who weren’t there read the attendances for Killie home games and pigeon hole us as not turning out to support our team. that’s how I see it anyway. So that’s us, Killie fans.
This is beginning to read as totally disjointed and it will continue to do so till my name reads at the bottom, this is due to rage building as a write this and trying to get a million points across. Here goes, one at a time and briefly, starting at the top.

MJ
The club issued a thank you to the fans who made the journey and asked them to get behind the team v Hibs (today) so we can look to put our season back together. This pathetic attempt really shows the gulf between MJ and the fans. Really, was this supposed to appease us? Yer man must know what a fractured group we really are because this merely pays lip service to what actually was a black day for Killie. Our team is allowed to hide away in Glasgow all week training and there is no interaction with the life blood, the fans.

JJ
How many time do we have to hear that it was a dodgy refereeing decision that killed off our chances again? A penalty but the snow blurred the lines, was just the latest in a line of excuses, but wheres the apologies, apologies to the fans for such a poor poor performance from a team who have zero fear for their places, these fans who risked quite a lot to make the journey into the snow on buses and trains and in cars moving at fifteen twenty miles an hour for miles and miles along the single file road to the north of the country. Where is the reassurances that you will read the riot act, that you have read the riot act that this should never happen again. I mean our tactics, we sign a player who genuinely could be the real deal, his goal and play at St Mirren could see him show up as the best headerer of the ball in Scottish football and against ICT we feed him the sum total of no good crosses. We win a free kick (the penalty) and we let Gibson shoot instead of swinging it over. And why do we always have to hear about how its all done on a shoestring budget? As if that safeguards against questions of where money was actually spent? Promised a striker at AGM’s in December, signed one late January, the one we originally had, hit a snag, did we ever have a striker lined up or was this just a ploy to appease us idiots?

The Players
Underachieving the lot of them. Game after game the same bunch of guys, no-one seems to get dropped for poor displays (well except for Wullie G but then he gets back in the team without any real reason so why drop him) We have a squad who seen to think they have made it but what this season has proved and was completely crystalised in Inverness is that we have a petulant bunch, who fold when the going gets tough. They have talent, this has been seen at times during this season when we go ahead and look like a right good team but more often than not we go behind to poorly defended goals and spend the rest of the games going through the motions. Not good enough, seems like they don’t particularly give a toss about it either, or us for that matter. Too often it feels like they slinky off after defeats safe in the knowledge that they live miles away and wont have to see us for another week, games like Saturday, this all seems like a bitter and twisted attack and for that I am sorry, the first paragraph explains the misguided faith I put in my team this year and though I have no right to expect my wish to come true, flat performance after flat performance hurts.

The Fans
Do we expect too much? Well no would be the answer, no teams fans deserve success all the time but application and effort and a keenness to appreciate the fans they have and help improve our fan base by giving us something to be proud of when we get behind our team would be nice. Constantly we are asked to get behind our team, but when it comes down to it, this season possibly more than most, we the fans need our club to get behind us and as it stand they fail on all measures.

See Think Tanks? They are pure and utter think tank!

Article Appeared in Killie Hippo Issue 85 (available from 17th January 2009)

Every so often the same crap appears, summits come up, think tanks or whatever they may be are arranged, and the great minds of our game discuss (obviously no actual end product occurs) what should happen to football in Scotland. It usually happens around the time of a SPL championship petering out too early or in this seasons case our two biggest (and seemingly the only ones who are actually important) exit from Europe before Christmas so in early December it happened. Its well documented that our own JJ was omitted from this meeting of the minds, unacceptable in my mind that any SPL boss was left out never mind someone of his experience, not to mention the fact he has been in a job the longest. But I wont dwell on that, we all know it was wrong, rather I will dwell on some of the things that came up and were reported in the papers.

first the not so stupid, merging the SPL, SFA and the SFL, that has to be done, they are all just names, they mean nothing, at the end of the day everything comes back to the SFA so why not just revert to it, put everything back together and lets do it quickly.

League reconstruction into a pyramid system also has to be embraced, our present system is squeezing the life out everything, there is no peril for the bottom league, finish bottom? Who cares. Everything is so stagnant, there are clearly clubs who want in, the Gretna debacle last year showed this so why not give the chance, if as was mentioned above, the governing bodies amalgamated this could be done with ease, get the juniors and highland leaguers involved too, in fact get the amateur game into it too, the pyramid should stretch all that way so that anyone who starts a club in the bottom league potentially can make it to the top, surely that would be good for the game. For me that wouldn’t be where it stopped, the Spl needs to be bigger, 16 teams maybe, making a thirty game season, every fan is sick of playing the same teams more than once a season, even the new teams coming up are sick of it. Give the league cup a champions league makeover to increase the games quota for fans if needed maybe. Also why not add some teams to kick it all off? Three leagues of 16 maybe. I don’t know.

Ken whit? If they just get rid of the ridiculous split then that would be a start.

Right, now for what to my mind is the ridiculous. Summer football. What a load of crap, what would it solve? It rains all year for a start, football should start at the end of summer and finish as it begins. It works. Why risk changing it, for my money aligning ourselves with Ireland for example tells its own story, cos regardless of what Conor Sammon says, irish fitba is pish. I like going to the football in the winter, I like putting on my big jacket and scarf and plodding over to rugby park. I like to see long sleeved strips, I wait eagerly to see my next orange ball getting used, basically its good. I also like it when we get a busy festive period of football, its part of Christmas. What I don’t want to happen is to miss part of the season because I have a fortnights holiday in july. And I cant see how it will help international football in any way. God they all clamour for a winter shutdown now but what god forbid we had summer football and we made a championship finals? Do we have a summer shutdown in the heat of our season? I think its all preposterous and would mean our stock in football which currently is worth as much as a pound note down to something more like some high street shopping vouchers. The only way to keep any standing in football to me is to keep our season in the same time frame as the rest of the main football world, kinda like how it is actually. Plus would we ever get a break, it would be wall to wall football, our season would be ending as the English one starts, no in between, personally I think our league would suffer as a consequence, all those who already have English allegiances (a reall irritation of mine actually) would see those allegiances solidify and possibly at the detriment of our game, in fact I could honestly see those who want summer football making a pilgrimage to a premiership match during their Christmas holidays thus making a mockery of the situation. Plus why would you want to waste a good summers day going to the football? True story here, I had a teacher at the school (Mr Thomson) who only went to Rugby Park on crappy days, he had better things to do when it was nice, you know, I can sort of see his logic now.

If anything, youth football should take place in the summer, kids should train and play with the sun on their backs and on dry solid surfaces, they will learn so much more this way rather than snotering and slevering and their mums not letting them go to training because they might get the cold or they already have the cold, but then hay fever is a problem in the summer, god I have backed myself into an argumetal corner here somehow, need to find a away out because I have made an arse of my pint, think, think, think, wait, I have it. Andy Murray. This is a man who is no longer Scottish, how can he be, he is successful, how can any Scotsman think to identify with Murray what with him being they way he is. How did it happen? Well the talent was there but also he wasn’t doing it in the Dunblane equivalent of the back of the Henderson Church tennis courts, no he was doing his thing is Spain working with good coaches in the high heat and good conditions. We have good football coaches in this country, so lets just improve the conditions. Lets see to it that the next batch of Scottish stars transcend being Scottish in the best Andy Murray tradition.

Sort of went off on a tangent with that one, oh well back to business, they also discussed referee performance, sorry think tank lads, are you all not a bit late for all that, should you not maybe have looked at the men in black (or more usually luminous yellow or blue, or red, or….) and their on field doings before giving them a wage hike earlier this year? Surely that would make sense. For me what doesn’t make sense is them asking for more money to do the same crap (or possibly now worse) job as they did last year and the year before for more money, was that not the opportune moment to say, yes we will increase your already pretty good second income wages but to earn it why not put it on a sliding scale of performance or something? You know? Make them perform to a high standard to get the bucks. But they didn’t and we are suffering the consequences. Killie sit top of the bad boy league in the news of the world and I cant see how, do we have a dirty player? I don’t think we do. We have plenty of petulant players certainly but its not all down to them, surely not. The referees are crap pure and simple.

Actually I don’t really believe that, I actually think that our games needs a good look at itself and when it does include the players, I think referees actually have it made harder for them by cheating players, take the penalty v Falkirk at rugby park earlier this season (I have wrung that particular incident for all its worth I feel, I use it as an example all the time when talking about players cheating, but I feel its justified, so there) the way he went down for the penalty didn’t make it easy for the referee, if the player had some morals and did the right thing then the ref would merely have to concentrate on refereeing the game rather than first having to decided if some player is trying to con him first. So players of Scottish, English, European and world football, stop bloody cheating because its making it hard for the refs and so affecting us as fans, it’s a vicious circle. (of sorts)

Or is it just me that thinks all that?

Sorry if that was all a bit general this issue but its pertinent to the here and now. Worry not readers, I will be back to writing of Killie issues such as strips and ways of improving attendances and other Ruud staples soon, just thought I would get some stuff off ma chest.

Cheers for reading.

Ruud Kerouac
Killie Beat Writer

Bienvenue, Cliches, and Pasca: 3 Hippo Things

All Articles Appeared in Killie Hippo 84 (on sale 20th December 2008)

Bienvenue à equipe premier Killie, Dizzy!
Or welcome to the Killie first team Dizzy, a warm greeting from me that takes in Gary McSwegan, the Scoreboard and Michael Watt?!

Over the two Saturdays past, both home games v Dundee Utd and ICT, Killie trivia questions that I thought up over a month ago have been debunked, first of all two weeks ago my "who are the five players to have the number 9 squad number since squad numbers were introduced?" was crapped on because it turns out I had missed one, then the ten keepers since the cup win was rewritten due to a half time sub. And yes I am claiming creation of both these questions!

Ok, for the number 9 poser I had Paul Wright as a kick off, then by my recollection we signed big Michel Ngonge, however he didn’t want to follow Paul Wright as number 9, he wanted 18, the 18 we had was a utility player called Sean Hessey, Ngonge wanted 9 but didn’t want nine, he wanted 18, 1 plus 8 equals 9, Hessey said he would give up 18 if he got 9, he did and it was weird. Then I had the jersey going to Kris Boyd who wore it and scored a hatful before moving on, less said the better. Then it was Colin Nish and now its Alan Russell, all well and good, that makes five. Well no, I got a late night phone call to let me know I forgot one.

Gary McSwegan, cant believe I forgot about him, in season 2003-2004 he was number 9 after being 25 in his first season (the one before), Boydie wore 12 that year, when I was told I went home and checked, I had a wee inkling at the back of my head that it might not be, maybe they were mistaken, he was number 10 was he not? No, he was 9. Arse. Also the Kevin McGowne answer came up, as I knew it would but my actual question insulates me from this as squad numbers came to pass in the season 98-99 and McGowne doesn’t count. The reason they mention this is because Killie had squad numbers in Europe after winning the cup. I don’t know whose bright idea it was but they were allocated on alphabetical order so Big Kev was 9 ,but that falls outside of the time limit so doesn’t count. I always thought that the Hessey answer was the tricky one, the one that would have got people thinking, how was I to know that my own question would goose me when it came right down to it! Gary McSwegan!

See that’s what happens with these types of questions, especially if they are dreamed up by dumb asses like me. I came up with it to test the usuals in the pub; Wee Cuthbert, big Aldo, Jake Sharp, big Davie and Burnett on a Sunday and the like, good Killie boys and they all accepted the 5 man answer (this question I had first asked back in mid October time, I was caught out at the end of November) but then one would ask another person at some point down the line if trivia questions come up in another pub (they do, regularly) and eventually Sweggy came out, 6 instead of 5, so I got caught out and insult to injury they aren’t slow in letting me know, not content to the next time they seen me a phone call at half 10 on a Saturday night was how I was told. So cheers for that fellas.

The next Saturday, it was the poser, name the 10 goalies to have played for Kilmarnock since we won the cup in 97. That’s 10, not including outfield players who have went in ala Gus McPherson who most people name first as if all you want to do is trip people up. No the question regards actual goalkeepers and till that day there was ten. Here goes.

Drago for starters, he won the cup and played on till he was sold to some Spanish mob, he was replaced by Gordon Marshall (arguably Killie best ever keeper, in my opinion anyway), both these keepers had excellent scoreboard animations, Drago had a dragon which scrolled down to a smiling baby dragon or a face made out of the dragons knees or something, always confused me actually. And Gordon Marshall, he had "you've been halted....by the Marshall" Hands down my favourite scoreboard animation (2nd place goes to the three stooges) Melly was back up to both these guys and so makes three. François Duberdeau was in there somewhere (THE worst goalie I have ever saw) Craig Samson (goes to expo) played a game too, a defeat in what has been my only visit to Aberdeen, Colin Stewart played in a mauling we gave Hibs, and Michael Watt too, all in some sort of order which I don’t know off the top of my head. Then comes the recent ones Graeme Smith played before following the cash to Ibrox, Chad Harpur, who my dad for no reason calls Chud, and so now do I and my brother, again for no reason, just Chud as well too, not Chud Harper, just Chud, I was to put it in a sentence the sentence would be "god, I hope Chud isn’t on the bench today" And Alan Combe our current number 1. this meandering rubbish has a point as such though as that Combe went off injured and the answer became 11. Welcome to the Killie first team Damien (Dizzy) Rascale, in your 45 minutes on the park you became the second Frenchman to guard our goal and already the best!


Fitba Myths, Cliches and P!$h Patter Explained

We have all heard them, I think it started with a game of two halves (though it probably didn’t) and has continued on and on and on and on even down to a new word being entered into the dictionary. Bouncebackability? This is a word invented by Iain Dowie who is a man who should be remembered forever as that ugly bloke that played for hundreds of crap teams in England rather than someone who has added something to the English language. But of course there is loads and we are all guilty at time to time of uttering them regardless of whether we think they make sense so I am going to look at some of the best.

You haven’t played the game: This is a popular myth perpetuated by managers and players to defend their actions and tactics in matches. If they get a proper towing they can always reply that football writers or fans have never played to any standard so know nothing of the intricate intricacies of football. Well, ma hoop im afraid. All these up their arse footballing men can stick it cos they have never had to pay to watch the tripe they put out on the park themselves. Mark McGhee came away with this one the other week, claiming if Motherwell fans didn’t understand his decision to take off lasley then they know nothing about football, no pal, if you sign Bob Malcolm and try to pass him off as a player it is you who knows nothing about football! Basically fans are the best and purest thing about football, let us rejoice in our position as gid fitba fans!

They cannie score fae row z!: What pray tell is the point of this shout, sure the team cant score from row z, that’s a given, that’s because row z isn’t in the playing dimensions so why do we need to put it up there, especially as the resultant throw or corner is taken from the same place (the side of the park or just outside (personal gripe) that wee quarter circle at the flag) not from the aforementioned row z. given our defending of set pieces this year, (fat dwarves like Scott Macdonald scoring headers anyone?) surely a better shout would be “eat the ba’ Frazer, they cannie score if its in yer belly!”

Yes, he's doing well but can he produce it on a rainy Tuesday night in January at Fir Park: A familiar shout in the present climate of multi national line ups. It comes from the fact that teams get their new expensive foreign signing in the late summer and he turns it on in August and September Saturday afternoons lighting up the league and firing himself to the head of the Sunday Mail starcheck standings (actually, does this still exist?) However despite this blistering form the naysayer’s begin to have their doubts and utter that phrase of phrases. But is it relevant? Is it baws, who actually excels on a rainy Tuesday at Motherwell, no one is the answer because the park is generally a disgrace.

Stonewaller: We all know what a dodgy penalty claim looks like; Andy Barrowman up in Inverness earlier this season, Graham Barratt of Falkirk here at Rugby park also this season. By the same token we know what a definite penalty claim looks like; Paul Wright at Broadwood early in 1997 a perfect example. And that’s what a stonewaller is; it’s a definite penalty. Though exactly what a stone wall and the ref giving a penalty have to do with each other is anyones guess.

Should have went to Specsavers ref!: This particular piece of wit must have been uttered more times than anything in Scottish football. It was funny the first one hundred times granted but the following six million times we have all heard it, lets be honest it starts to grate. It is further supported by the fact the refs are sponsored by specsavers, nothing like telling a joke to death. In fact considering they are continuing to do the same substandard job despite having a wage increase this season surely the shout should now be “should have got laser eye treatment!” they can now afford it.

He just about got there: This is a common commentator shout when a keeper almost gets his fingertips on a Taouil free kick, or Willie Gibson nearly keeps a ball he has chased down to the by-line in the park, or for that matter any cynical tackle a Celtic midfielder makes when Killie try to break quickly against them. Now correct me if I not following the English language here my understanding is that if “he just about got there” then that tends to mean “HE DEFINITELY F-ING DIDN’T!” To reuse my examples, the keeper was nowhere near Mehdi’s free kick, Wullie G didn’t keep the ball in the park and more importantly, Celtic are cheating fouling bastards.

He's got a decent touch for a big man: When a taller player shows some neat touches and good control he is tagged with this particular epitaph (I realise this is a word used for the deceased but its true that these guys will carry this tag till their dying day) It is a surprising shout I think because why shouldn’t he have a nice touch, its his full time job, its all he does and basically all he has done since he was at school. To look at it from the other perspective is it acceptable for him to have a crap touch since he is tall? I mean he can make up for a crap touch in so many different ways, such as standing in the back row in the team photo, you always need a tall guy for that job. Conor Sammon seems to have taken over this from Nish at Killie, a big striker who shows more promise when the ball is played into feet rather than pinged at his head. Would it not make sense to utilise this skill of touch and give it into his feet instead of firing balls at his napper and expecting miracles all because he stands slightly taller than rest. Which brings me to…..

He’s six foot two but jumps five foot three: Ah Colin Nish, two mentions for you, I bet you wish you never rejoined your childhood heroes, especially as the fat Finn has brought back Deek and Jonatan Johannsen is returning to these shores in January, you would no doubt be playing every week scoring goals hopefully and winding up the boo boys who savaged you in your time here. Alas its 4th choice striker for you on the east coast, the upside for us Killie fans is we never need to here someone over our shoulder say he is 6’2 but jumps 5’3, one because it was annoying and two because its physically impossible. As an alternative I preferred “you couldn’t fit a Standard under his feet when he jumps” because its area specific and paints a better picture.

Goalkeepers that can’t kick the ball: Some goalies have a reputation of not being able to kick the ball very well. I cant fathom this, what exactly did they do in their lives, surely at some point when young they took a shot out nets and developed some skills in kicking the ball. There is no way they turned up with their goalie gloves, probably those nylon things with the rubber patches stitched on, and simply played in goals for their entire lifetime. One thing you notice if you spend any time sitting behind the goals is the positioning of the outfield players for a by kick. Our own goalie Mr Combe is a perfect example, when he takes one they all migrate to the left side of the park, WHY!? Can he not turn his body in any direction and kick it somewhere else? And if not? LEARN! Practice kicking balls in particular directions, that element of surprise may prove useful someday would you think. Or is it simply the fact that when a goalkeeper has limited kicking abilities its merely shorthand for saying the goalkeeper is pish.

The notoriously hard to please Kilmarnock fan: We have all heard it and some people now believe it, but no, wait a minute, all teams have their fickle supporters who pay cash every week to have a right good moan. Basically this is something that is perpetuated by lazy Scottish journalists, if they say it all the time them people will begin to think its true, well its not.

Q: Who’s the referee?
A: The guy in the black: Whoever says this just stop it. No uncovering here, just give it a rest.

And finally,
Mon you up here and sit wi me: Actually, I quite like this one, it has the perfect balance of humour and nonsensicalness (in you face Iain Dowie) to be shouted at the football. I think it means that the player who is having a nightmare should come up and sit in the stand and watch himself play like a big fat coo but then if he cant do two things at once, he cant watch himself play after all. Its generally shouted by the chap you don’t know but like to sit near cos he always comes away with some corkers.

And there we have it, Saturday wouldn’t be Saturday without all this mince I have just covered. Let me put this to you, if we had summer football you would never again hear the Yes, he's doing well but can he produce it on a rainy Tuesday night in January at Fir Park now would you, and frankly football would be a sadder place without it, but then summer football, that’s another argument.


Chuck Norris Wears Pasca Pyjamas

> After a day roundhouse kicking everyone he meets, world famous hardest man ever Chuck Norris then wears Pasca pyjamas to bed.

> Manuel Pascali was originally going to be a star in the latest series of TV show Heroes, however when the shows creators and writers put their heads together they couldn’t come up with a possible power that bad guy Sylar could steal that would allow him to elude Pasca’s power of the crunching tackle, they decided to cut him from the series. Pasca wasn’t too bothered though, plenty of time for TV later.

> When Pasca first saw the Pasca 20/20 flag at Love Street earlier this season he was overcome with a mix of emotions, pride due to seeing his countries flag, but also disappointment, after a chat with flag maker extraordinaire Gaz Stafford he realised that his disappointment was unfounded, 20/20 was a reference to an away day enhancer that comes in multi coloured liquid form not a prediction on how many crunching tackles and yellow cards he will get this season. Naturally, Pasca thought he’d get more.

> Pasca has a an acute sense of time, as soon as he sees the yellow card being pointed in his direction, he knows there is 85 minutes to go.

> Usain Bolt was sent a selection of videos featuring Pasca’s meaty challenges by fellow Jamaican icon Simon Ford as way to drum up some inspiration to run fast in the Olympic 100m final. “imagine your running away from dis!” was the note Jamaican national hero and reggae boy extraordinaire Si put in with the vids. It worked as Bolt broke the world record. However, you may have read that Bolt described his pre run routine a little different, TV and chicken nuggets? No mention of thanks for Pasca? Pasca read this too, but isn’t too worried, a three match ban is never too far away, plenty of time then to deal with the ungrateful beanpole, in his own immutable style you understand.

Ruud Kerouac
Killie Beat Writer

Do We Learn Anything?

Article appeared in Killie Hippo 84 (out 15th November 2008)

Do We Learn Anything?
(a story of apathy, training methods and fear from the Glasgow Science Centre)
(well not exactly from, as I have never been)
(but then who has?)

I really want to be positive about this season because it has really gone well I feel, good results here and there, a together looking squad, far removed from last year, I have written a fair few articles in here in past few years and it is nice to write positive things, but I sit here on the Friday after our CIS, Co-op or whatever its branded, league cup exit and I find myself unsure, I even left writing this an extra day as I could have easily written it yesterday but didn’t want to spout all sorts of venomous vitriol about the Quarter final game because its not really synonymous to our season. But as it happens I feel the same today so may as well give it both barrels because I fear these problems could rear their head at any point here on in. The game as you know ended three one.

After the game while walking back to my car I looked forward to the first person to utter the famous phrase "we were shite but there not much better" because sadly that statement is a load of meaningless bollocks, especially said after last nights display, I decided to go into the pub to wait for the traffic to calm down (I use this as an excuse, I could easily used; wanted to see end of Arsenal game or fancied a can of juice, however none of that’s true I was basically spoiling for an argument) someone did utter that stupidest of stupid sayings but I didn’t have the heart to take him to task, his girlfriend had their first child earlier in the week.

So effectively I am taking it that whoever reads this has said that thing to me, so this is how I would reply. Celtic were streets ahead of us, playing neat little triangles and breaking at pace when the opportunity arises. Personally it makes me wonder what we actually do when we go up to Glasgow to train, play hide and seek perhaps. Games like these show up how much fitter the old firm seem in comparison to us, this is something which can be easily reversed, we may not be able to bring in the top players or pay the greatest wages but surely we can get our team fitter than anyone else, we are a full time club with full time players, super fitness should be an easy attribute to acquire and keep for professional SPL players, we can harry them for 90minutes, close them down. It is also worth noting that pass and move exercises are performed by every team of all ages in every training session in every town in every country in every universe, and exercises where shutting down these passing movements are performed also, god, I did it when I trained, its the fundamentals!

Its these fundamentals that we seem to lack. Other gripes about training, why cant we defend corners. Scott MacDonald scored a header, that’s Scott MacDonald who a week earlier was described as one of Celtic seven dwarves, a wee mistake on our part then? It would seem no, he missed a further two or three headers from corners also, how does this happen? Free kicks that are played into our box, again in every training session in Britain you defend your 18 yard line, we don’t. somewhere closer to ten yards out is ok by us, where did we learn this? So set plays haven’t been mastered to any degree it would seem and even if they were the fact that it happens repeatedly in games means that we learn nothing from week to week, hell, from corner to corner. When attacking? Any set plays we had ourselves were wee floated in poofy balls that are meat and drink to the Caldwell’s of this world, no variation or anyone who looked like they had a clue. Turning defence into attack, non existent, this would come under the fitness aspect I suppose though, which I have covered and to reiterate WE DONT MATCH UP! Finally, err, do we ever shoot?

Tactics chosen seem odd, we change our system to play only these two teams, one man up front (our winger) one in behind. Two breakers in the middle, two wingers (our two most creative centre mids). it didn’t work, we didn’t change it. When watching the Man U v Celtic game a week earlier I felt that Strachan bottled the tactics battle. He played a Killie move against them. But why didn’t he pick out their weaknesses and punish them? make the game work for him, he had an opportunity with his wingers to crucify Gary Neville in the right back role, show Fergie that he is done as a Man U player, he never and Neville was allowed to push on and assist in the demolition instead of being hemmed back and ran ragged. Now that’s not to say that that would exactly happen but its would have been at the very least a showing of attacking tactics! Roll onto Wednesday and we can look at the Celtic line up, weak link possibly? Wilson at left back? He is predominantly right footed and cant tackle with his left foot, a perfect opportunity to put our right winger (Danny) up against him put him under pressure by going outside again and again. Make Strachan change his team. Again these things are great in hindsight and I am merely a punter, who am I exactly to come up with elaborate tactics to break down oppositions? Indeed, but then these managers are paid big money to come up with ways of getting results surely and us punters are only there to watch, yes watch from our elevated position in the stands (positions where team shape and players performances are far easier spotted, far easier than say pitch level where it is impossible to see exactly what positions the players on the other side of the field have taken up) but I digress…..

Back to my point, there seems to be a blatant lack of coaching in our players. It would be good if the fans all club together, a quid each and hire out the powerleague and see what actually goes on in a Killie training session, if were paying for it then surely they cant refuse? or like other aspects of our esteemed club (they're disregard of the website poty for instance, we are constantly asked to get out and support our team, our players but when they are asked to support us it’s a different story it seems to me) they are far more happy when they hide from they people who pay to see them and love them unconditionally. What a truly frightening combination that is after all.

Basically that’s how I feel, I could go into detail about my disappointment in certain players performances, but what would be the point. I could talk about the poor refereeing seen again this season, tell me how the common man can get behind these guys when they are paid £800 a week minimum for a second income! yellow cards for first tackles for our players, Caldwell makes ten fouls adjudged to be the ref merit able in stopping the play but he goes uncarded, but again what would be the point. I could talk about self belief, it too seems to be lacking, from comments from our players and our manager in particular it doesn’t seem to me that he feels we can beat them so basically were onto plums before a ball is kicked. Every other team in the league give the big two a good go every once in a while, I struggle to think when we did last, it gets to the point where I dread these games, including even the point this season where we came into our games against them unbeaten!

But no, the thing that stood out predominantly for me on Wednesday was the poor levels of fitness and obvious lack of the basic fundamentals that we are all taught from an early age. I haven’t played football to any sort of level in my life but I do know that at its core football hasn’t changed, the players may have, but the basics remain the same.

Killie Roll Call

Article Appeared in Killie Hippo 82 (out 17th October 2008)

Almost a month ago one of the greatest stadiums in sport was bid farewell. Its team hasn’t had the greatest of seasons so no playoffs this year meaning the final game fell in September and not as a fairytale ending in the Fall Classic, The World Series which is at the end of October. The team? The New York Yankees, the stadium, the world renowned Yankee Stadium.

Anyone who knows me knows I have a acute love of baseball and take great umbrage to any derisory call such as it just a big game of rounder’s. But this isn’t about baseball, well it is but its not at the same time. You’ll see. No, I defy anyone, football fan or not to deny any knowledge of the Yankees or Yankee stadium, it’s a sporting institution and the stadium will be sadly missed.
The final game was shown on channel fives excellent coverage and the build up was great and the atmosphere seemed immense. The game started around half an hour to an hour late due to many videos being shown and people being interviewed so on and so on. When the game started there was guests from yesteryear in the commentary box to call the game, discussing their own personal memories of the place and basically reminiscing. All well and good but this is a Killie fanzine, what’s my point?

When I watch these things I automatically think about what elements we can nick for our own team and something that stood out, something the ESPN coverage centred on, was the last ever Yankee roll call at the old Yankee Stadium. The roll call consists of fans chanting the on field teams names individually and it reverberates around the stadium. Starting with the left fielder and going through the positions in turn the chant each players name repeatedly till he acknowledges the fans somehow, then they move on. Johnneee day-mon ad nauseum for centre fielder Johnny Damon, De-rek Jeeetur over and over again for Derek Jeter. I think we should adopt something like this.

I really do, and it could be done at all matches home and away, and whats more it can be completely adopted by band of young fans in the bottom right hand side of the east stand. A good bunch of boys I think, they have taken a bit of a snash, one time in particular Killie kickback users may recall when one user accused them of a whole manner of things (drug use?) but personally I think they are great. I use the Airdrie cup game as case in point as their singing non stop all game was superb. So I am offering this to them to take on and make their own. I think it could really work and in a area where copying is a gimme and actually quite annoying (fans copying each other by singing Flower of Scotland at Rangers games? BORING! all the Hibbees are gay, EH? the ring of fire? ALSO BORING! and other things that are basically lifted straight from our peers) obviously innovative new chants would be the biz, but I say if your going to copy, don’t make it obvious, and I think this fit’s the bill.

Oh Alan Combe, Allan Allan Allan Combe, and on and on and on and on. Combe gives a wave. We cheer and move on. One James Fowler, theres only one James Fowler! Jamie (remember he used to be Jamie Fowler?) claps the fans as it rolls out for a shy. And so on, Manu Manuel, Manu Manuel, Manu Manuel, Manuel Pascali! The godlike genius stops and bows for the fans (he probably wouldn’t but you get my jist) Sa-mon Sa-mon, Sa-mon Sa-mon, Sa-mon Sa-mon Sa-mon, I say! You get the idea.

Its easy to join in with as long as one group starts it, you don’t need to learn any difficult lyrics and it can be taken all over Scotland. Young kids can get involved as they don’t have to take off their shoes, and the as long as they recognise the players and know their names then its easy followed. And if the players don’t respond then we will still have a wall of sound till half time. I think this could really take off at Rugby Park where we are often accused, even in arguments amongst ourselves, that the atmosphere sucks. People often go on about it being better when at away game (drink plays a big part in this I am sure) but I think this could kick something off. Lets face it, playing music over the tannoy when we get a corner is absolute baws and offers nothing to the atmosphere. That idea is stolen wholesale from the states but unlike the roll call its not the fans who call that shots, lets face it, the only thing that creates atmosphere it is a good old fashioned sing song. I haven’t noticed any team in Scotland doing this so we could be the first.
If your interested or cany make any sense of what I am saying type yankee roll call into youtube and have a look at the fans videos of their time as a “bleacher creature” at Yankee stadium. It’ll put the hair on the back of your neck on end, imagine that feeling at a game against the old firm? The whole Killie crowd chanting constantly as we cheer our team, it would make us all feel tremendous and I think the players would get a kick out of it too.



Ruud Kerouac
Killie Beat Writer

An Article With the Intent of Giving Our Chairman Some Food For Thought on the 5% Levy ‘Fiasco‘, Provided he reads the Hippo that is, though I’m sure

Article appeared in Killie Hippo 80 (out 23rd August 08)

A sad indicator of the stranglehold the bigoted big dicks have over us wee diddy teams is the reports that both of them have ganged together and are asking for a 5% levy on all away tickets sold by them to their fans to come to our grounds. We have all read the newspapers about it, Falkirk stood firm and sold their tickets themselves, a brave thing to do maybe as rangers were their first visitors on the opening day of the season. Dundee United sadly folded and agreed to pay due to Celtic arriving on the second week of the season.

The rest, well therein lies the rub, what will the rest do? More importantly what will Killie do? Well your guess is as good as mine. The following are quotes from our esteemed Chairman I have copied and pasted from the BBC website from 18th July when he was interviewed about it.

"It's causing a bit of consternation in certain quarters, It's an issue we could've done without." And "We're the club that potentially will be hit hardest by that because we give Rangers and Celtic between eight and nine thousand tickets for the matches at Rugby Park. So, it would be a major financial hit for us. We're considering our options at the moment.” and "We could add the 5% onto the existing price, so that, instead of an Old Firm ticket at Rugby Park being £25, it would become £26.25, but I'm reluctant to impose a price increase on away supporters when they're already paying a premium to come to watch Rangers and Celtic at Rugby Park."

To be fair it really is a catch 22, do we hold firm and potentially lose out on the cash that comes in from these games ( a necessary evil I personally despise) or do we fold like a knackered old deckchair and bend over and take it in the ass, if only to keep the peace with the supposed life blood of all us wee teams? But what if we were creative, what if we turned this into a potential coup, we could bring the fans back and/or at the very least get a glut of media coverage into the bargain? Here’s a few ideas using Michaels own quotes as springboards.

The admission that we allocate between 8 and 9 thousand tickets to the old firm for these, and I really use the term loosely ”home” games isn’t a shock to us Killie fans but surely this is an opportunity to reclaim at least half of this as our own, we can sell the Chadwick stand to away fans in the same style as Falkirk surely and sell Moffat tickets to our own fans, ok we have falling average crowds and this has been a problem but surely this is the kind of gesture to get the fans back, the CIS Cup final (remember that?) showed that there is a fan base out there to be had so a Michael Johnston charm offensive in every newspaper, Sky Sports News every 28minutes, Setanta sports news for anyone who watches it, across all the websites, a olive branch to all the lapsed fans disillusioned in years gone by. Or am I being to optimistic?

Here’s another idea, just sell the Chadwick Stand to away fans and shut the Moffat, we keep an advantage fan number wise and strike a blow that says we really don’t care. The money side could be a problem but how’s about raising ticket prices for all fans for this game, put it up a fiver, there must be Killie fans out there who would happily pay an extra few quid to allow us to feel that in these type of games we are actually playing a home fixture! Again this could get a blast in the media. This might be a bit extreme and totally unworkable, its an idea though.
Right I have rethunk that last idea, the estimated value of these games from memory is 100000 quid, so how do we recoup this while sticking it to the old firm? If we cant fill it ourselves or make it up by paying more why not, why not, why….not, why not get our local businesses to help out, rounding up as many as possible to supplement that audacious stance against the old firm. If they agreed to buy a set amount of tickets (whether they use them or not is by the by) we wouldn’t be out of pocket, maybe our crowd would go up, maybe it wouldn’t but if the most important thing is the almighty pound then so be it. But it would become a community coming together, we like to think of ourselves as a community club so this would prove it, we could dedicate the match, the programme anything to these businesses, they would get great amounts of exposure out of it too, it’s a win win surely.

Maybe none of these are workable, I am not kidding myself, I don’t know all the facts and really they are just ideas. But and it’s a big but we have a cracking fans website which our chairman used to take part in and there is some clever people on there, I am sure we could come up with something! At the end of the day, if we only do it for the first old firm game then fold for the second, at least we tried, at least we did something and wrung it for all the publicity we could, that would be a positive step.

Manny Watch

He left his Killie van behind at the beginning of June but how is he doing down at his premiership hopefuls (aye right) Norwich? Well after a preseason to remember three wins, a gubbing at spurs and a draw at Colchester, new kit man and co-manager begun the season away to Coventry, im sure he put in a call to his former employees about the Sky Blues, but it started with a defeat. A positive note for Manny is that six of his summer signings started so it’ll take some time for them to gel, a goal down just after half time Manny im sure wanted OJ Koroma on earlier but Roeder overruled (he’ll learn) maybe would have stole a point sadly a goal in the last ten minutes killed of the chances of a 100% win season. Midweek saw them crash out in the Carling Cup to MK Dons, a league down, reports I have read saw co-manager Fowler was obviously disappointed but now they can concentrate on a crack at the big prize, the Premiership! But with Cardiff and Birmingham coming up with plenty of ex SPL players I am assured Manny will come into his own, get them picked on yer coupon, in Manny we trust!

Ruud Kerouac
Killie Beat Writer

Who is the M.V.P?

I listen to talksport. I do this for a variety of reasons, one is that I enjoy it, another is that it’s a terrific alternative to listening to garbage like the Hoosiers, One Night Only, Scouting for Girls or other “indie” guff on our music radio stations, (in new music we trust ma baws, only if its played after 7pm more like), a further reason is that it gets you into a rage with their actually quite jingoistic statements and its healthy I think to get into such rages.

Hi its Ruud here back for another season, personally I am rather curious about this season, after the nightmare last year JJ will have to rebuild a team, either through signings or utilising the youths and bringing them through to be decent players and dare I say it valuable assets?! It could be brilliant, it could be a disaster, but I will reserve my judgement until it the season gets going.

Anyway, Thursday past (I write this on a Monday) they had a great wee debate, favourite schoolyard games, great laugh it was too, incidentally does anyone know the actual rules to British Bulldog? But at the same time they were asking listeners to name their clubs (or any others) most valuable person. The person whom the club would struggle to replace, you know the kind of person I am getting at. The reason was that Hleb the former Arsenal player claims that the day Wenger leaves the Emirates, Arsenal will cease to be the force they are, he is what makes then tick and he is irreplaceable. On talksport they basically agreed and went on to discuss other clubs, Chelsea would be deader than dead if Roman Abramovich decided enough was enough that coupled with him actually being a billionaire makes him Chelsea’s most valuable person. They also asked if Steven Gerrard was still Liverpool’s, food for thought I suppose.

You might be aware where I am going with this, especially as you are reading the first new edition of the KILLIE Hippo this season, if not here goes, who is Kilmarnock Football Clubs M.V.P?

Is it our esteemed Chairman Michael Johnson? The happy clappers are quite happy with his work output so maybe if we tried to replace him we would only end up with someone worse, is it better the devil you know than the better you don’t? is Michael doing a good job, a job that you think he is just around the corner form doing perfectly and proving all the nay sayers wrong? He took it on the chin by lowering the wages at the club to such a point were barely working on a skeleton staff, could another man have had the strength of character to do this? Is he Killies present MVP?

Jim Jeffries? Is it he who we couldn’t do without? We are continually told in our piss poor press coverage that he has done a miraculous job on a shoestring budget? Naisy brought on our best ever transfer fee and JJ brought him through, generating cash by nurturing players as well as picking up dirty rocks from the lower division and polishing them into gems, the work of a MVP? Also what would happen if we lost him? Who replaces JJ, many people on the Killie kickback forums suggest we would be looking at untried young managers or cheap lower league alternative does this mean JJ is irreplaceable and so MVP?

The Killie Trust perhaps? Now we have it could we do without it? Our youth programme would be a thing of the past if it weren’t for the fact that the Trust pays the cash needed to keep it going. If the Trust decided to call it a day would that be the catalyst to implosion of the club perhaps, the first thing in a chain reaction?

Or is it someone else, a player perhaps, Jamie Moffat? We all have our opinions after all.

These are merely suggestions, I am throwing this open to you the readers for answers to this, who is it, do we actually have one? It really is a fascinating question to ask yourself as in these dark days of happy clappers and hotheads/bampots showing up the gulf of opinion on our unhappy club. So either email it to the Hippo through his killiehippo@aol.com address or post a comment on the nhoj blogspot where this will also be published (address below) and your comments could feature in future issues.

Cheers

Ruud Kerouac

And We'll Fly Over Somerset Tommorrow, and Shi.... Hold on, Hold on. Dad, Where's Somerset?

What Killie fans out there remembers Ayr United? Somerset? Any recollection at all? Obviously I am joking here, plenty of people remember that there is some other mob in Ayrshire eeking out an existence in senior football, some will also be able to tell you that they are currently struggling and (fingers crossed) could drop into Scotland's bottom division by May. It is also remembered that they are our bitterest rivals. Or are they? Even on these pages, I have written intermittently over the course of the past year but this is the first time I have looked at the plight of our county cousins, so the question is do we actually have bitter rivals anymore?

in the pub on Sunday, it was remarked (by Nid) that the fellow talking to Hughie Parker was a "scum fan" and it lead to a fair point being raised, would the latest generation (below 20 years old) know what is being accredited to this unassuming man? Would they think the allegation was because he was a Rangers fan, or a Celtic? Or bizarrely man united?

But its Ayr, Ayr United who are our main rivals, they are the scum, not Rangers for stealing our players or Celtic for throwing pies at us in the tattie dome, its Ayr, we cant hold onto a rivalry with the old firm or any of the City teams because they all hate some one else more than they can be arsed with us. We have Ayr, our rivals are Ayr, but sadly rivalry with Ayr seems as pointless as rivalry with Loudoun Amateurs (Ozzie versus Colin Nish, what a match up!) as the chances of us playing in the same league again are slim. (I hope against hope I am right) But then our status as a Premier league team can’t be forever can it? It all seems so academic for the new generation of KTIDers but for many years it was so different, for many years we were in the same league, in my lifetime, I am 26, I remember Tommy Burns scoring a screamer at rugby park against Ayr, I remember the Tudor being Ally McLeod’s pub, I remember not being allowed to go with my dad to Somerset for reasons I only worked out in my post 18 years. I remember, Dylan Kerr falling into the stand after scoring in the Ayrshire cup final, I also remember Andy fanny baws, dickhead, shite on the radio, shite on the telly, shite column in the Sunday mail, not interesting enough to be included in the admittedly dying a horrible death only an excuse, did I mention fanny baws, walker scoring that chip against us in the Scottish cup at scumerset and leaving early, I love the song Somerset’s a piggery and if it was sung for an week and a half I wouldn’t get sick of it. but I also remember that we stopped playing for the Ayrshire Cup because we cant afford to lose it, and then the west sound trophy arrived (who wouldn’t want to get their hands on that?) we won it back after losing it in a four nil win and then nothing, to be honest what would be the point, they are so poor its hardly a contest, and I mean that with the greatest of respect and no boasting, the gulf is just too big now.

all these memories are what builds the character of a Kilmarnock fan, the first trips to Ibrox and that and the old firm coming down to us have lost all novelty but things like an Ayr game never lose their shine, that’s because that is sheer rivalry, equally felt, as I said before, no one really is that bothered about us. Don’t get me wrong, there was always something there with Partick, due to the amount of time we spent moving up and down the divisions together or St Mirren due to ne'erday games when the scum weren’t in our division, but even these things have passed, our fantastic achievement of cementing our place in the Premier league for so long while other flounder has put paid to that, we associate ourselves with other Premier teams, Celtic, Rangers, Aberdeen, Hearts, Hibs etc. Hello, hello, we are the Killie boys being pinpointed for bigoted scrutiny an example, even leading to a chant in retaliation.

Since I first heard it I thought that the chant "we are not sectarian, we just hate everybody" was quite bold, a fair comment which sums up our feeling of not wanting to be tarred with the brushes used on primarily Celtic and Rangers fans but also the Hearts and Hibs etc. But now thinking about it, it actually seems quite sad, it kind of paints us as an isolated figure, we are not associated with anyone else, we hate everyone. Or is it maybe no one is particularly interested in us? It seem a cry for help, someone please hate us! We will hate you back tenfold, we promise!

I suppose it puts us in a catch 22 situation, do we want a return to lower league football for the sake of a few games against the scum? No, do we hell. Do we want them to have some sort of rise from the ashes and make the premier league? No, get it up them. Should we bring back the Ayrshire Cup? Well, what’s the use, it would be a pointless exercise, and Girvin could possibly knock them out! Do we really want to go back to the days when pubs got turned over by opposing team fans for a reason other than just because there are 10thousand bigots and our chairman would rather see cash than Killie fans, again no, but a buzz about the town for certain games would be fantastic.

so where does that leave us, we want a rivalry, but no one will give us one, we have one or had one, but they are so awful and have been for so long that our fan base is slowly evolving into one which doesn’t recognise them fully as what they are, and I will say it again for anyone who hasn’t grasped the jist of the article, OUR ONLY RIVALS! But we don’t play them, and chances are wont play them anytime in the future, god, this article is actually quite depressing, I feel so alone! Need to let off some steam, shout something soothing, something like,

Get it up ye's ya south Symington scumbags! mone the Killie!

That’s better, now lets just as a body of support keep Ayr alive in the thoughts of our fans through singing and telling jokes at their expense as they cant keep up their end of the bargain and challenge us on the park.

All together now, if I had the wings of a sparrow...........

Ruud Kerouac

How a tried to link Football and Baseball using a book as my mentor and a right skint team as an example

On my holidays last year I read a book about finding the secret of success in baseball, this might seem to most people as a total waste of time, but stick with me because I am going to attempt to link it to my team, a team with not a pot to piss in money wise; Killie!

The book in question is Moneyball by Michael Lewis and centres around the time the author spent following the Oakland A’s general manager Billy Beane.

Actually this is a pish poor entrance to what I am trying to say, what I am trying to say is that I am a big baseball fan, all stemming from a holiday in Canada where I went to watch the Toronto blue jays, since then I have watched it on channel 5 and now the NASN (top channel by the way). In the major league baseball, MLB as I will call it, there are certain rules as regards wages and money in general. And like any major team sports there are the big rich teams that everyone loves to hate, namely the New York Yankees! They are the richest team with the biggest salary and all the negative feeling from rival fans that are attributed to the Rangers and Sellics of our own wee country. On the channel 5 coverage this book is name checked every once in a while so I checked it out. In American sports there is a salary cap, an amount that each team can spend on their players’ wages, if you go over this amount due to the amount of cash yer rich owner is willing to fire in, you have to pay the other pishy wee teams for the privilege of having a huge wage bill.

The Oakland A’s who this book is about, are one of those pishy wee teams, they are at the time of writing which was 3 or 4 years ago amongst the bottom 3 or 4 wage bills in the whole of the MLB. 2002 season Yankees payroll $126 million dollars, the A’s $40. How can it be possible to compete when the financial difference in what teams are doing is so far?

Well the Oakland A’s did compete, they reached the playoffs with just such a payroll, however when there they hit the skids but this was because the system employed didn’t stretch o cup knockout style of competition more the long hard slog of the season.

I feel as if I’m not being clear with this, what became clear to me during the season was how I felt I was reading about Kilmarnock, a big league player but without the big league money to compete successfully, not just in terms of book balancing which we are continually told is success, no the real success that fans want teams winning and goals being scored, that sort of thing, the book talks of the science of winning an unfair game, if that doesn’t resonate with Kilmarnock fans, what will? When I was reading the book, the idea that this system could work for us kept creeping into my mind and since finishing it I still haven’t worked out how it could be possible so what I am trying to do is ask if anyone out there is a maths whiz, a statistics fiend who would be intrigued by what I am saying and read the book and apply it to our own Scottish problems, I would do it myself but sadly I am neither a maths whiz or statistically minded and read the book in July and still don’t know how to work it, although I am certain there is something that can be done!

So far, so the longest ever introduction. I have still to describe what was done, well that might not take long, but here goes, Billy Beane the general manager and ex player decided to go against the usual scouting system and reading of stats which had been around for years, he employed a statistics and maths man, a Harvard educated man called Paul DePodesta, who had came up with a new way to look at baseball players performance and how they are scouted. Traditionally the crème de la crème of the players were said to be 5 tool players, ability to run, throw, field, hit and hit with power, this is why we always hear about the Barry Bonds and Alex Rodriguez’s, they are the traditional 5 tool players. Also the stats looked at were things that most non baseball fans but sports fans would understand without knowing a lot about the game, lots of home runs good, stolen bases means speed so again good. However their was many teams, Texas rangers, Baltimore orioles who were spending shit loads on wages for 5 tool players and getting nothing in return, no post season play off action.

What DePodesta implemented was a system that looked at run generation, what tools were needed to generate runs. Simply because to win games you need to score runs and if your big hitting money guzzling player keeps striking out because he is slumping then you cant win games. Him and Beane looked at stats of how often they got on base, whether by singles or walks (this is all a bit technical if your not well versed in baseball terminology, think rounders, a player needs to go round the 4 bases, 1st, 2nd, 3rd and home, they can do it 1 at a time, or more depending how far they hit it) if the player is on base they have a better chance of scoring in an inning. So their new stats criteria is fed into a computer and as all the stats from major league and minor league and the up and coming college players are recorded they search for players that fitted the bill. And it threw up some real oddities, really fat guys, really old guys, really young guys but all guys that the major clubs didn’t want as they weren’t the archetypal 5tool player. But these guys could generate runs. So to put it in football speak, they had a player called Jason Giambi who they traded to the New York Yankees, he was a five tool player, but was at the end of his contract so instead of simply letting him be released they picked up some players for him, what he could do as 1 player, hit run and field they picked up 3 cheaper players who did his job. so we have sold Naismith, we now look for players who take as many shots as him perhaps and complete as many dribbles, or set up as many goals and see in the whole of Scotland who fits the bill, ultimately were looking for consistency rather than mavericks. If players consistently shoot they will eventually be rewarded with goals. I think.

Another point that Beane and DePodesta came up with was that some positions that the rest of baseball thought was a key position they didn’t. the closers role in baseball is to come in and pitch at the end of tight games when you are up by a few runs and strike out the opposition without losing any runs, these guys get paid a fortune because they are supposed to be so composed and unflappable, but Beane feels that this is false economy, any pitcher at any point can strike out 3 in a row so why the pressure and ultimate esteem on this closer. So he used to breed closers, they got the runs on the board with their tremendous hitting so he used to make anyone of his pitchers the closer, and then punt them for a fortune because he never coveted the position. In football, it could be goalkeepers, not that I am knocking the role but, much emphasis is put on them, how they improve with age for example, which seems to be all bullshit, some of the best goalies are great at 19! So why not produce them, put them in a winning team and punt them? Or another position, that is merely an example, a position where traditionally certain merits are put on it but actually don’t mean much. Impossibly tall centre halves, penalty specialists, free kick specialists, these things can be coached, practiced and marketed to a point where other teams have to have them.

Anyway, this book made for fascinating reading, the A’s won more games than anyone that season, but blew it in the playoffs. Billy Beane came across as a bit of a megalomaniac but was still alright with it. And in the after word it was said that Billy Beane had received calls letters and emails from NFL teams, NHL teams the lot about how he did it, what his secret was, and it was at this point that I really saw that the potential for it to work in this country could be achieved to a degree. A lot of other baseball teams work in this manner now as a result.
So again, this isn’t my answer to the problems we face as fans of a provincial team, constantly fighting a battle against the increasingly rich opponents. But if were not getting in any fairy godfather with more money than sense then is this something we should look at? nor the examples I gave actually what I think should happen, as I said I read the book months ago and came up with nothing, I’m simply trying to get across the points in the book to people who dont understand the glorified rounders as its known on these shores, but, and it’s a big but, surely its something someone can look at? And finally this isn’t a dig at the current scouting or any of the players we have on the books or have been signed recently, merely an idea. The book was an eye-opener for me and would be for any sports fan; you don’t need to understand baseball to get its concept though it helps if you do get the terminology. Surely we have at least one genius fan who reads this gets it and thinks it could be worked out in some way, if there is they can borrow ma copy of the book!

Ruud Kerouac

2008 dreams for Killie

It’s a new year and here are some things I would like to see at rugby park, home of the famous Kilmarnock FC, and my favourite team, in the next 12 months.

1. Horizontal stripes: Its time we ditch the stripes! There I said it, my neck size is 16inches so makes sure the noose on the rope I will be hung with at the cross isn’t too tight!
Here is how I see it though, every year we bring out a new kit, a scandal in itself I suppose but how we work and have worked for more than ten years so cant really say much and every year we bring out a blue and white striped strip. Subtle differences are there, thicker stripes, an all blue back, slight changes in shades of blue, fading blue into whites, but essentially blue and white stripes. And I feel its same old same old, but its not just me who I am thinking about, mainly it’s the parents who have to shell out for a strip for their kid or even worse kids, how does a mum who knows the square route of f all about football justify the fact that her kid needs a new forty quid blue and white striped t shirt (basically what it is) every year. But back to me, I am sick and tired of shelling out for the same thing every year, its time for a change, lets make it this year.

My preference is hoops, it is something that sadly has been associated with they horrible green and white things sweaty folk from the east end of Glasgow wear all the time, pulled of with aplomb when teamed with a slightly garish but definitely overpriced tracksuit. But its time to take it from its evil captors, its time we were resplendent in blue and white hoops. In fact no, let them keep their horrible word, it just upsets people, lets start next season by running out the tunnel in blue and white horizontal stripes! A simple bit of word play puts the ball back in our court!

Or maybe we rip off ideas from strips around the world, Ajax’s design of thick red down the middle can be changed to thick blue, this was actually used im sure in the 70s or so but way before my time and well prime for a revival! Or a river plate style diagonal strip from shoulder to opposite hip, this could be blue with white stripe or white with blue. Or the all white top we had in our first season back in the premier league and our first visit back to European territory, not time for a recall? Or the Croatian checker board style in blue and white naturally, why not use that?

Maybe that is a step to far, but the concept is right in my mind so that as each new season comes were not entirely sure what the new design will be, a bit of intrigue could be injected into something which has become boring and drab, the Killie open day or whatever it is called now would have a reason as fans would be eager to see what the new design would be for the upcoming season. And its not as if I am saying bin the stripes for ever, I am definitely not, I just think they should be put on the back burner every once in a while, try something different be unique be creative!

And don’t give me this Inter Milan don’t change their stripes or you wouldn’t see Real in anything but all white, put it this way, you wont see a Killie strip on sale in Either of those cities but both are available in ours, that tells me that there is a bigger market for them and they can sell millions of the same thing every year without seeing a drop in profit, we are dealing with a select band of people, a small bunch who would shell out for a kit and its time we offered something new!

STOP PRESS! A wee further aside to new strips, lets get them out in decent fashion, none of this one coming out on the open day and the other in October, I mean October, are you having a laugh, not only is the strip only out for a season but we can only buy it for ¾s of it, not good enough, one out for our summer holidays please, home or away it doesn’t matter, so we can spread the good word while we walk around sweating in it in Spain, scared to take it off incase folk we don’t know see our flabby bellies.

2. A decent Scottish Cup run: not as outlandish as you might think, lets just blitz this Scottish Cup malarkey! Seriously, our path to the league cup final was eventful, and a kind draw could see us do well, the semis in April would be terrific. Actually a kind draw is the least of our problems, our dismal record against lower league teams means that a shed load of luck would be nice but we have had no luck so far this season with injuries so good luck in the cup could rectify the karma of our season!

3. A sugar daddy: surely we can attract one, we could attack his weakness for his “Scotch” roots and love of Johnnie Walkers whisky. The new owners of Coventry City also had a pop at buying Man City so it mustn’t matter who they get as long as they get a club so why not us!

4. No title party: this may seem a bit un-ambitious but I think it’s a 3 yr plan for us to win the league, so what I am getting at is a Rangers or Celtic shindig at our patch. They are horrible experiences and we also have to endure the red tops painting us as the bad guys for not letting the bigots party. Shame on us we should have definitely gave them the majority of our seats, god, were only the home team and a small band of supporters, the wing of the main stand would have been more than ample. Eh no, Jim Traynor and other such tabloid hacks (slightly unfair as I enjoy reading Traynors columns and feel that argumentative journalism helps keep football in the limelight) get yourselves hunted, if they want to party get back up to their own house and do it, leave us alone!

5. Some new players: a real injection of players could be done with and January is the only time to get them for this season. At the last window we lost Leven and Greer plus Naisy obviously but the loss of Leven and Greer may not have seemed that important but both players played more than 20games I think last season and that experience is severely lacking this. Full thing is looking stale so new blood would be super. And come the summer can we have our new signings before the season starts, gets the fans going to preseason games and gives us some talking points and hope for the new campaign, nothing as boring as watching last season players go through what is then called “simply a chance to get some fitness” nup, new players please and if their not plaing get them doing keepy uppys and parading the strip at half time or something.
6. Half decent pre season: a decent wee tour of somewhere the fans can get to and go nuts instead of hiding away in Italy and playing waiters twice, and some actual glamour ties at home, I remember Alan Shearer treating our ground opening as the world cup final in front of a full house and pishing all over us, it was actually good and still remember it fondly, borefest against Derby I don’t. So why don’t we go searching for the champions of something or other, and steer clear of Leicester in front of a few thousand.

7. League reconstruction: a bit late in the day but its time we got rid of a the boring boring 12 team format, why would you go to Ibrox in the pishing rain in November to get leathered when you know you can go back in may? Playing the same teams all the time is boring. Once Gretna are confirmed as down which may be march and the scabby two are out of sight then all games are meaningless. But wait is that not the excuse for no league expansion, too many meaningless games? Well I think we will be playing a fair few later this season! 16 team league please. 15 away trips and no second bites of the cherry, increase in crowds the country over I guarantee!
8. European Football: kind of a continuation of number two, a decent cup run could put us in the situation where we could get a spot in the final, god at this stage im not even wanting to win it, a final tie against the league winners would put us in Europe without even contemplating winning it! I spent a few days in Paris in September watchin the football and it was alright, few beers and a wee victory, all n all…THE BEST WEDNESDAY EVER! So its about time we had some stories to tell of the time we got f$*ked over the head by truncheon wielded by the Spanish polis or something. Though probably our run would end in a nightmare trip to Kazakhstan never mind a glamour tie in Madrid!

that’s about it, basically I just want money, glamour, style and success! No problems, I should probably add world peace, a win on the lottery and Britney Spears to be my ironing lady as they are equally likely.

Seriously if I was just to get one next year it would be the horizontal striped strip to be worn with pride on opening day of season 2008/2009. This may sound mad but I feel the rest would click into place from there on in and continue for seasons to come, our new look would be the talk of the country and the money men would take notice, also players of a higher calibre would relish the opportunity to play in such an attractive strip, this would lea to a better pre season (somehow!?) title parties? Pah, these would be nail biters as we would be amongst the elite ourselves, and league reconstruction would follow as our performance would mean that the rest would have to pull their socks up and new blood would be needed so the old firm had their whipping boys still, euro football next, that champions league music playing and the big ball bouncing on the centre circle, Killie fans lined up right down to the new flats we don’t own, waiting to buy their three match bundles, the papers full of news about Killie and their next opponents in the Champions league, they would use the word cracks, ie. German cracks or Italian cracks, which is a phrase I personally love and only gets used in the run up to European football. Through all this it would emerge that I was the person who started the ball rolling on this and because of all the suits I would require for doing the talk shows I would need a ironing lady, cue ms. Spears. The lottery is a gimme and world peace is a myth.

EASY!

Actually its only January, I am giving up drinking.

Happy New Year!

Ruud Kerouac