Howay the Killie!

If Killie were an English premiership team we would be Newcastle, yeah, I am pretty sure we are the Scottish equivalent of the Toon Army.

I say this because some of the similarities are glaringly obvious, we both turn out on most Saturdays resplendent in stripes and their fanatical fans hate Middlesboro and our fanatical fans hate Middlesboro, or that may just be me. We all have unexplainable hatred of different teams and mines is them.

Anyway, more seriously; we both made triumphant returns to the top division in the 90s after a fair spell in the lower leagues at the hands of a legend, a player who was made famous at more illustrious clubs certainly but were real legends at ours. If you don’t know who I am alluding to, King Kevin Keegan led Newcastle to the promised land of the English Premiership, he was a famous successful player for Liverpool but the Messiah on Tyneside. TB was a Celtic bhoy and hero of the jungle certainly but a but a bone fide Killie Legend all the same. RIP TB.

Since we both made it back to the top division we have had relatively decent success, at Killie we have had top four finishes, hell in one season we were even in contention of the league, at Christmas we were in with a real chance, sadly we faltered for a multitude of reasons but then we were a team with real SPL potential, one of the shining lights, we saw European football on more than one token occasion and our fans did us proud when travelling abroad. Newcastle too had great seasons, Champions league football has taken place on the Toon a fair few times and what about the famous “I would love it if we beat them” season when they blew a massive lead and gave Man U the title, as desperate as that looks now at least they had a chance, like we had a chance.

In the last few years our teams have also had similar paths, bottom half teams who seem to flatter to deceive, fail to deliver on potential. So on and so on. Our squads seem to be nothing like the ones we used to be able to assemble, gone is the extravagance of before and now we simply have to accept what we get. Newcastle once signed Ginola, Asprilla, Albert, now they sign Habib Beye (?) Cacapa (?) Xisco (?) signed on the most part by folk that arent the manager. Nowhere near the what they had before, or they get players, international players, who seem to be the real deal but they get them for nothing in January and so maybe you wonder why they arent costing a bean, mr Peter Lovenkrands please stand up. Look at us, Pascali; is he really what we always dreamed of in a tough tackling midfielder, Danny Invincibile is a vital cog in our machine but for the most part he seems to be nothing but the polar opposite of his second name. And our players seem to come on recommendations from strange sources, Pasca from Stefano Salvatori and we nearly had some chap called merlin who came highly recommended by Fitzroy Simpson! When we had a bit of dough we signed Iain Durrant, Ally McCoist, Pat Nevin, Christophe Cocard! Granted the financial restraints in Scotland put paid to that but still, I am beginning to think in the deeply depressed state im in that none of our present crop of signings could lace Jerome Vareilles boots! Oh and our Lovenkrands parallel could be Kevin Kyle, it cant all be everyone elses fault big man, if we got you for free and now your up here and cant seem to click with any other strikers or players it might just be you pal.

And now this season we both find ourselves at time of writing in 3rd bottom position, slightly more perilous for them than us as 3rd botom means you drop but nonetheless I feel we are eachy peachy, were both in a dog fight which contains a oddly large amount of clubs and all fixtures involving all clubs involved mean so much, 6 pointers appear weekly. Possibly a run of 2 victories in a row would see us safe, or three over the course of the remaining fixtures, afew draws in there too would help. And it is possible, it has to be. I mean for us, we havent won since the last fixture in December, surely history prevents us from sealing our fate, no team goes down with such a lack of fight, not one win in the second half of the year, I cant remember it happeneing, so if we cant get ourselves out this mess ourselves history surely (hopefully) will save us, were not that interesting to become a future quiz question I don’t think. Newcastle are pretty much ditto.

Were both in a situation where if we go down we wont be missed by those we leave behind, most premiership fans that I have heard from would be happy if a “big gun” like Newcastle went down. Same goes with us, it may not be with such vitriol but even still I cant see anyone being that bothered. Other wee similarities both our managers spent time off the sidelines due to illness, ours was merely a week or so while theres has taken the rest of the season off.

And in his place who do they get? Only Alan Shearer! Untried as a manager and only in for the last 8 games but as far as quick fix ideas go it’s a masterstroke, I mean if they stay up he is a legend and if they go down then who will really blame Alan Shearer? Chairman Mike Ashley has came in for some serious stick from his own supporters this season, the cockney mafia scenes from earlier this season regarding Dennis Wises part in transfers the walkout of King Kev again due to transfer dealings so much so that Ashley wasn’t seen at St James for months and months, even when Keegan took over and when he left Shearer was reported to say he would never work with Ashley, well this has changed and Shearer is in. Who would bet against Newcastle staying up with him in charge, at the very least he will gain the utmost respect of all proffesionals in his charge, and they will know what it means to play for Newcastle if they are playing for him.

Us? Could we follow that system? And if so, who? Monty would be a probable answer, and why not, if any sort of gimmick was going to work and if it was what fans wanted then he would be a fantastic choice. Like Kinnear just put JJ out to rest till the summer and try something fresh. I am sure that in training Monty could show even at his age that he is far fitter than our guff are, and he could have a word on Combes shell about his attitude toward the fans who pay to watch him play, that stuff wont fly anymore, and Simon Ford would get the rocket up his arse he def needs and all in all these guys would maybe get a feeling of the true meaning of wearing the squirrels on their chest because unlike it would seem us, they would have to listen to him because he would be the boss. It would be like having one of our own in there.

I suppose this brings it down to the main difference between us and them. Our chairmen. Both vilified for their own specific reasons, are what separate us from them. Mike Ashley for all his failings to the fans still wants to be liked and still wants to be respected and o right by his fans and team, so he has dealt with the Wise situation and took all the blockers out the way to allow Shearer to become temporary manager in the hope of steering them to safety. Mike Ashley wants his fans to love him and is doing all he can to secure that love. Our chairman seems not to give a shit about us and seems blasé about the fact that we could easily slip into an obscurity we may never come back from.

So there you have it, a thinly veiled pop at the chairman.

(an unapologetic) Ruud Kerouac
Killie Beat Writer