Bienvenue, Cliches, and Pasca: 3 Hippo Things

All Articles Appeared in Killie Hippo 84 (on sale 20th December 2008)

Bienvenue à equipe premier Killie, Dizzy!
Or welcome to the Killie first team Dizzy, a warm greeting from me that takes in Gary McSwegan, the Scoreboard and Michael Watt?!

Over the two Saturdays past, both home games v Dundee Utd and ICT, Killie trivia questions that I thought up over a month ago have been debunked, first of all two weeks ago my "who are the five players to have the number 9 squad number since squad numbers were introduced?" was crapped on because it turns out I had missed one, then the ten keepers since the cup win was rewritten due to a half time sub. And yes I am claiming creation of both these questions!

Ok, for the number 9 poser I had Paul Wright as a kick off, then by my recollection we signed big Michel Ngonge, however he didn’t want to follow Paul Wright as number 9, he wanted 18, the 18 we had was a utility player called Sean Hessey, Ngonge wanted 9 but didn’t want nine, he wanted 18, 1 plus 8 equals 9, Hessey said he would give up 18 if he got 9, he did and it was weird. Then I had the jersey going to Kris Boyd who wore it and scored a hatful before moving on, less said the better. Then it was Colin Nish and now its Alan Russell, all well and good, that makes five. Well no, I got a late night phone call to let me know I forgot one.

Gary McSwegan, cant believe I forgot about him, in season 2003-2004 he was number 9 after being 25 in his first season (the one before), Boydie wore 12 that year, when I was told I went home and checked, I had a wee inkling at the back of my head that it might not be, maybe they were mistaken, he was number 10 was he not? No, he was 9. Arse. Also the Kevin McGowne answer came up, as I knew it would but my actual question insulates me from this as squad numbers came to pass in the season 98-99 and McGowne doesn’t count. The reason they mention this is because Killie had squad numbers in Europe after winning the cup. I don’t know whose bright idea it was but they were allocated on alphabetical order so Big Kev was 9 ,but that falls outside of the time limit so doesn’t count. I always thought that the Hessey answer was the tricky one, the one that would have got people thinking, how was I to know that my own question would goose me when it came right down to it! Gary McSwegan!

See that’s what happens with these types of questions, especially if they are dreamed up by dumb asses like me. I came up with it to test the usuals in the pub; Wee Cuthbert, big Aldo, Jake Sharp, big Davie and Burnett on a Sunday and the like, good Killie boys and they all accepted the 5 man answer (this question I had first asked back in mid October time, I was caught out at the end of November) but then one would ask another person at some point down the line if trivia questions come up in another pub (they do, regularly) and eventually Sweggy came out, 6 instead of 5, so I got caught out and insult to injury they aren’t slow in letting me know, not content to the next time they seen me a phone call at half 10 on a Saturday night was how I was told. So cheers for that fellas.

The next Saturday, it was the poser, name the 10 goalies to have played for Kilmarnock since we won the cup in 97. That’s 10, not including outfield players who have went in ala Gus McPherson who most people name first as if all you want to do is trip people up. No the question regards actual goalkeepers and till that day there was ten. Here goes.

Drago for starters, he won the cup and played on till he was sold to some Spanish mob, he was replaced by Gordon Marshall (arguably Killie best ever keeper, in my opinion anyway), both these keepers had excellent scoreboard animations, Drago had a dragon which scrolled down to a smiling baby dragon or a face made out of the dragons knees or something, always confused me actually. And Gordon Marshall, he had "you've been halted....by the Marshall" Hands down my favourite scoreboard animation (2nd place goes to the three stooges) Melly was back up to both these guys and so makes three. François Duberdeau was in there somewhere (THE worst goalie I have ever saw) Craig Samson (goes to expo) played a game too, a defeat in what has been my only visit to Aberdeen, Colin Stewart played in a mauling we gave Hibs, and Michael Watt too, all in some sort of order which I don’t know off the top of my head. Then comes the recent ones Graeme Smith played before following the cash to Ibrox, Chad Harpur, who my dad for no reason calls Chud, and so now do I and my brother, again for no reason, just Chud as well too, not Chud Harper, just Chud, I was to put it in a sentence the sentence would be "god, I hope Chud isn’t on the bench today" And Alan Combe our current number 1. this meandering rubbish has a point as such though as that Combe went off injured and the answer became 11. Welcome to the Killie first team Damien (Dizzy) Rascale, in your 45 minutes on the park you became the second Frenchman to guard our goal and already the best!


Fitba Myths, Cliches and P!$h Patter Explained

We have all heard them, I think it started with a game of two halves (though it probably didn’t) and has continued on and on and on and on even down to a new word being entered into the dictionary. Bouncebackability? This is a word invented by Iain Dowie who is a man who should be remembered forever as that ugly bloke that played for hundreds of crap teams in England rather than someone who has added something to the English language. But of course there is loads and we are all guilty at time to time of uttering them regardless of whether we think they make sense so I am going to look at some of the best.

You haven’t played the game: This is a popular myth perpetuated by managers and players to defend their actions and tactics in matches. If they get a proper towing they can always reply that football writers or fans have never played to any standard so know nothing of the intricate intricacies of football. Well, ma hoop im afraid. All these up their arse footballing men can stick it cos they have never had to pay to watch the tripe they put out on the park themselves. Mark McGhee came away with this one the other week, claiming if Motherwell fans didn’t understand his decision to take off lasley then they know nothing about football, no pal, if you sign Bob Malcolm and try to pass him off as a player it is you who knows nothing about football! Basically fans are the best and purest thing about football, let us rejoice in our position as gid fitba fans!

They cannie score fae row z!: What pray tell is the point of this shout, sure the team cant score from row z, that’s a given, that’s because row z isn’t in the playing dimensions so why do we need to put it up there, especially as the resultant throw or corner is taken from the same place (the side of the park or just outside (personal gripe) that wee quarter circle at the flag) not from the aforementioned row z. given our defending of set pieces this year, (fat dwarves like Scott Macdonald scoring headers anyone?) surely a better shout would be “eat the ba’ Frazer, they cannie score if its in yer belly!”

Yes, he's doing well but can he produce it on a rainy Tuesday night in January at Fir Park: A familiar shout in the present climate of multi national line ups. It comes from the fact that teams get their new expensive foreign signing in the late summer and he turns it on in August and September Saturday afternoons lighting up the league and firing himself to the head of the Sunday Mail starcheck standings (actually, does this still exist?) However despite this blistering form the naysayer’s begin to have their doubts and utter that phrase of phrases. But is it relevant? Is it baws, who actually excels on a rainy Tuesday at Motherwell, no one is the answer because the park is generally a disgrace.

Stonewaller: We all know what a dodgy penalty claim looks like; Andy Barrowman up in Inverness earlier this season, Graham Barratt of Falkirk here at Rugby park also this season. By the same token we know what a definite penalty claim looks like; Paul Wright at Broadwood early in 1997 a perfect example. And that’s what a stonewaller is; it’s a definite penalty. Though exactly what a stone wall and the ref giving a penalty have to do with each other is anyones guess.

Should have went to Specsavers ref!: This particular piece of wit must have been uttered more times than anything in Scottish football. It was funny the first one hundred times granted but the following six million times we have all heard it, lets be honest it starts to grate. It is further supported by the fact the refs are sponsored by specsavers, nothing like telling a joke to death. In fact considering they are continuing to do the same substandard job despite having a wage increase this season surely the shout should now be “should have got laser eye treatment!” they can now afford it.

He just about got there: This is a common commentator shout when a keeper almost gets his fingertips on a Taouil free kick, or Willie Gibson nearly keeps a ball he has chased down to the by-line in the park, or for that matter any cynical tackle a Celtic midfielder makes when Killie try to break quickly against them. Now correct me if I not following the English language here my understanding is that if “he just about got there” then that tends to mean “HE DEFINITELY F-ING DIDN’T!” To reuse my examples, the keeper was nowhere near Mehdi’s free kick, Wullie G didn’t keep the ball in the park and more importantly, Celtic are cheating fouling bastards.

He's got a decent touch for a big man: When a taller player shows some neat touches and good control he is tagged with this particular epitaph (I realise this is a word used for the deceased but its true that these guys will carry this tag till their dying day) It is a surprising shout I think because why shouldn’t he have a nice touch, its his full time job, its all he does and basically all he has done since he was at school. To look at it from the other perspective is it acceptable for him to have a crap touch since he is tall? I mean he can make up for a crap touch in so many different ways, such as standing in the back row in the team photo, you always need a tall guy for that job. Conor Sammon seems to have taken over this from Nish at Killie, a big striker who shows more promise when the ball is played into feet rather than pinged at his head. Would it not make sense to utilise this skill of touch and give it into his feet instead of firing balls at his napper and expecting miracles all because he stands slightly taller than rest. Which brings me to…..

He’s six foot two but jumps five foot three: Ah Colin Nish, two mentions for you, I bet you wish you never rejoined your childhood heroes, especially as the fat Finn has brought back Deek and Jonatan Johannsen is returning to these shores in January, you would no doubt be playing every week scoring goals hopefully and winding up the boo boys who savaged you in your time here. Alas its 4th choice striker for you on the east coast, the upside for us Killie fans is we never need to here someone over our shoulder say he is 6’2 but jumps 5’3, one because it was annoying and two because its physically impossible. As an alternative I preferred “you couldn’t fit a Standard under his feet when he jumps” because its area specific and paints a better picture.

Goalkeepers that can’t kick the ball: Some goalies have a reputation of not being able to kick the ball very well. I cant fathom this, what exactly did they do in their lives, surely at some point when young they took a shot out nets and developed some skills in kicking the ball. There is no way they turned up with their goalie gloves, probably those nylon things with the rubber patches stitched on, and simply played in goals for their entire lifetime. One thing you notice if you spend any time sitting behind the goals is the positioning of the outfield players for a by kick. Our own goalie Mr Combe is a perfect example, when he takes one they all migrate to the left side of the park, WHY!? Can he not turn his body in any direction and kick it somewhere else? And if not? LEARN! Practice kicking balls in particular directions, that element of surprise may prove useful someday would you think. Or is it simply the fact that when a goalkeeper has limited kicking abilities its merely shorthand for saying the goalkeeper is pish.

The notoriously hard to please Kilmarnock fan: We have all heard it and some people now believe it, but no, wait a minute, all teams have their fickle supporters who pay cash every week to have a right good moan. Basically this is something that is perpetuated by lazy Scottish journalists, if they say it all the time them people will begin to think its true, well its not.

Q: Who’s the referee?
A: The guy in the black: Whoever says this just stop it. No uncovering here, just give it a rest.

And finally,
Mon you up here and sit wi me: Actually, I quite like this one, it has the perfect balance of humour and nonsensicalness (in you face Iain Dowie) to be shouted at the football. I think it means that the player who is having a nightmare should come up and sit in the stand and watch himself play like a big fat coo but then if he cant do two things at once, he cant watch himself play after all. Its generally shouted by the chap you don’t know but like to sit near cos he always comes away with some corkers.

And there we have it, Saturday wouldn’t be Saturday without all this mince I have just covered. Let me put this to you, if we had summer football you would never again hear the Yes, he's doing well but can he produce it on a rainy Tuesday night in January at Fir Park now would you, and frankly football would be a sadder place without it, but then summer football, that’s another argument.


Chuck Norris Wears Pasca Pyjamas

> After a day roundhouse kicking everyone he meets, world famous hardest man ever Chuck Norris then wears Pasca pyjamas to bed.

> Manuel Pascali was originally going to be a star in the latest series of TV show Heroes, however when the shows creators and writers put their heads together they couldn’t come up with a possible power that bad guy Sylar could steal that would allow him to elude Pasca’s power of the crunching tackle, they decided to cut him from the series. Pasca wasn’t too bothered though, plenty of time for TV later.

> When Pasca first saw the Pasca 20/20 flag at Love Street earlier this season he was overcome with a mix of emotions, pride due to seeing his countries flag, but also disappointment, after a chat with flag maker extraordinaire Gaz Stafford he realised that his disappointment was unfounded, 20/20 was a reference to an away day enhancer that comes in multi coloured liquid form not a prediction on how many crunching tackles and yellow cards he will get this season. Naturally, Pasca thought he’d get more.

> Pasca has a an acute sense of time, as soon as he sees the yellow card being pointed in his direction, he knows there is 85 minutes to go.

> Usain Bolt was sent a selection of videos featuring Pasca’s meaty challenges by fellow Jamaican icon Simon Ford as way to drum up some inspiration to run fast in the Olympic 100m final. “imagine your running away from dis!” was the note Jamaican national hero and reggae boy extraordinaire Si put in with the vids. It worked as Bolt broke the world record. However, you may have read that Bolt described his pre run routine a little different, TV and chicken nuggets? No mention of thanks for Pasca? Pasca read this too, but isn’t too worried, a three match ban is never too far away, plenty of time then to deal with the ungrateful beanpole, in his own immutable style you understand.

Ruud Kerouac
Killie Beat Writer