2008 dreams for Killie

It’s a new year and here are some things I would like to see at rugby park, home of the famous Kilmarnock FC, and my favourite team, in the next 12 months.

1. Horizontal stripes: Its time we ditch the stripes! There I said it, my neck size is 16inches so makes sure the noose on the rope I will be hung with at the cross isn’t too tight!
Here is how I see it though, every year we bring out a new kit, a scandal in itself I suppose but how we work and have worked for more than ten years so cant really say much and every year we bring out a blue and white striped strip. Subtle differences are there, thicker stripes, an all blue back, slight changes in shades of blue, fading blue into whites, but essentially blue and white stripes. And I feel its same old same old, but its not just me who I am thinking about, mainly it’s the parents who have to shell out for a strip for their kid or even worse kids, how does a mum who knows the square route of f all about football justify the fact that her kid needs a new forty quid blue and white striped t shirt (basically what it is) every year. But back to me, I am sick and tired of shelling out for the same thing every year, its time for a change, lets make it this year.

My preference is hoops, it is something that sadly has been associated with they horrible green and white things sweaty folk from the east end of Glasgow wear all the time, pulled of with aplomb when teamed with a slightly garish but definitely overpriced tracksuit. But its time to take it from its evil captors, its time we were resplendent in blue and white hoops. In fact no, let them keep their horrible word, it just upsets people, lets start next season by running out the tunnel in blue and white horizontal stripes! A simple bit of word play puts the ball back in our court!

Or maybe we rip off ideas from strips around the world, Ajax’s design of thick red down the middle can be changed to thick blue, this was actually used im sure in the 70s or so but way before my time and well prime for a revival! Or a river plate style diagonal strip from shoulder to opposite hip, this could be blue with white stripe or white with blue. Or the all white top we had in our first season back in the premier league and our first visit back to European territory, not time for a recall? Or the Croatian checker board style in blue and white naturally, why not use that?

Maybe that is a step to far, but the concept is right in my mind so that as each new season comes were not entirely sure what the new design will be, a bit of intrigue could be injected into something which has become boring and drab, the Killie open day or whatever it is called now would have a reason as fans would be eager to see what the new design would be for the upcoming season. And its not as if I am saying bin the stripes for ever, I am definitely not, I just think they should be put on the back burner every once in a while, try something different be unique be creative!

And don’t give me this Inter Milan don’t change their stripes or you wouldn’t see Real in anything but all white, put it this way, you wont see a Killie strip on sale in Either of those cities but both are available in ours, that tells me that there is a bigger market for them and they can sell millions of the same thing every year without seeing a drop in profit, we are dealing with a select band of people, a small bunch who would shell out for a kit and its time we offered something new!

STOP PRESS! A wee further aside to new strips, lets get them out in decent fashion, none of this one coming out on the open day and the other in October, I mean October, are you having a laugh, not only is the strip only out for a season but we can only buy it for ¾s of it, not good enough, one out for our summer holidays please, home or away it doesn’t matter, so we can spread the good word while we walk around sweating in it in Spain, scared to take it off incase folk we don’t know see our flabby bellies.

2. A decent Scottish Cup run: not as outlandish as you might think, lets just blitz this Scottish Cup malarkey! Seriously, our path to the league cup final was eventful, and a kind draw could see us do well, the semis in April would be terrific. Actually a kind draw is the least of our problems, our dismal record against lower league teams means that a shed load of luck would be nice but we have had no luck so far this season with injuries so good luck in the cup could rectify the karma of our season!

3. A sugar daddy: surely we can attract one, we could attack his weakness for his “Scotch” roots and love of Johnnie Walkers whisky. The new owners of Coventry City also had a pop at buying Man City so it mustn’t matter who they get as long as they get a club so why not us!

4. No title party: this may seem a bit un-ambitious but I think it’s a 3 yr plan for us to win the league, so what I am getting at is a Rangers or Celtic shindig at our patch. They are horrible experiences and we also have to endure the red tops painting us as the bad guys for not letting the bigots party. Shame on us we should have definitely gave them the majority of our seats, god, were only the home team and a small band of supporters, the wing of the main stand would have been more than ample. Eh no, Jim Traynor and other such tabloid hacks (slightly unfair as I enjoy reading Traynors columns and feel that argumentative journalism helps keep football in the limelight) get yourselves hunted, if they want to party get back up to their own house and do it, leave us alone!

5. Some new players: a real injection of players could be done with and January is the only time to get them for this season. At the last window we lost Leven and Greer plus Naisy obviously but the loss of Leven and Greer may not have seemed that important but both players played more than 20games I think last season and that experience is severely lacking this. Full thing is looking stale so new blood would be super. And come the summer can we have our new signings before the season starts, gets the fans going to preseason games and gives us some talking points and hope for the new campaign, nothing as boring as watching last season players go through what is then called “simply a chance to get some fitness” nup, new players please and if their not plaing get them doing keepy uppys and parading the strip at half time or something.
6. Half decent pre season: a decent wee tour of somewhere the fans can get to and go nuts instead of hiding away in Italy and playing waiters twice, and some actual glamour ties at home, I remember Alan Shearer treating our ground opening as the world cup final in front of a full house and pishing all over us, it was actually good and still remember it fondly, borefest against Derby I don’t. So why don’t we go searching for the champions of something or other, and steer clear of Leicester in front of a few thousand.

7. League reconstruction: a bit late in the day but its time we got rid of a the boring boring 12 team format, why would you go to Ibrox in the pishing rain in November to get leathered when you know you can go back in may? Playing the same teams all the time is boring. Once Gretna are confirmed as down which may be march and the scabby two are out of sight then all games are meaningless. But wait is that not the excuse for no league expansion, too many meaningless games? Well I think we will be playing a fair few later this season! 16 team league please. 15 away trips and no second bites of the cherry, increase in crowds the country over I guarantee!
8. European Football: kind of a continuation of number two, a decent cup run could put us in the situation where we could get a spot in the final, god at this stage im not even wanting to win it, a final tie against the league winners would put us in Europe without even contemplating winning it! I spent a few days in Paris in September watchin the football and it was alright, few beers and a wee victory, all n all…THE BEST WEDNESDAY EVER! So its about time we had some stories to tell of the time we got f$*ked over the head by truncheon wielded by the Spanish polis or something. Though probably our run would end in a nightmare trip to Kazakhstan never mind a glamour tie in Madrid!

that’s about it, basically I just want money, glamour, style and success! No problems, I should probably add world peace, a win on the lottery and Britney Spears to be my ironing lady as they are equally likely.

Seriously if I was just to get one next year it would be the horizontal striped strip to be worn with pride on opening day of season 2008/2009. This may sound mad but I feel the rest would click into place from there on in and continue for seasons to come, our new look would be the talk of the country and the money men would take notice, also players of a higher calibre would relish the opportunity to play in such an attractive strip, this would lea to a better pre season (somehow!?) title parties? Pah, these would be nail biters as we would be amongst the elite ourselves, and league reconstruction would follow as our performance would mean that the rest would have to pull their socks up and new blood would be needed so the old firm had their whipping boys still, euro football next, that champions league music playing and the big ball bouncing on the centre circle, Killie fans lined up right down to the new flats we don’t own, waiting to buy their three match bundles, the papers full of news about Killie and their next opponents in the Champions league, they would use the word cracks, ie. German cracks or Italian cracks, which is a phrase I personally love and only gets used in the run up to European football. Through all this it would emerge that I was the person who started the ball rolling on this and because of all the suits I would require for doing the talk shows I would need a ironing lady, cue ms. Spears. The lottery is a gimme and world peace is a myth.

EASY!

Actually its only January, I am giving up drinking.

Happy New Year!

Ruud Kerouac