And We'll Fly Over Somerset Tommorrow, and Shi.... Hold on, Hold on. Dad, Where's Somerset?

What Killie fans out there remembers Ayr United? Somerset? Any recollection at all? Obviously I am joking here, plenty of people remember that there is some other mob in Ayrshire eeking out an existence in senior football, some will also be able to tell you that they are currently struggling and (fingers crossed) could drop into Scotland's bottom division by May. It is also remembered that they are our bitterest rivals. Or are they? Even on these pages, I have written intermittently over the course of the past year but this is the first time I have looked at the plight of our county cousins, so the question is do we actually have bitter rivals anymore?

in the pub on Sunday, it was remarked (by Nid) that the fellow talking to Hughie Parker was a "scum fan" and it lead to a fair point being raised, would the latest generation (below 20 years old) know what is being accredited to this unassuming man? Would they think the allegation was because he was a Rangers fan, or a Celtic? Or bizarrely man united?

But its Ayr, Ayr United who are our main rivals, they are the scum, not Rangers for stealing our players or Celtic for throwing pies at us in the tattie dome, its Ayr, we cant hold onto a rivalry with the old firm or any of the City teams because they all hate some one else more than they can be arsed with us. We have Ayr, our rivals are Ayr, but sadly rivalry with Ayr seems as pointless as rivalry with Loudoun Amateurs (Ozzie versus Colin Nish, what a match up!) as the chances of us playing in the same league again are slim. (I hope against hope I am right) But then our status as a Premier league team can’t be forever can it? It all seems so academic for the new generation of KTIDers but for many years it was so different, for many years we were in the same league, in my lifetime, I am 26, I remember Tommy Burns scoring a screamer at rugby park against Ayr, I remember the Tudor being Ally McLeod’s pub, I remember not being allowed to go with my dad to Somerset for reasons I only worked out in my post 18 years. I remember, Dylan Kerr falling into the stand after scoring in the Ayrshire cup final, I also remember Andy fanny baws, dickhead, shite on the radio, shite on the telly, shite column in the Sunday mail, not interesting enough to be included in the admittedly dying a horrible death only an excuse, did I mention fanny baws, walker scoring that chip against us in the Scottish cup at scumerset and leaving early, I love the song Somerset’s a piggery and if it was sung for an week and a half I wouldn’t get sick of it. but I also remember that we stopped playing for the Ayrshire Cup because we cant afford to lose it, and then the west sound trophy arrived (who wouldn’t want to get their hands on that?) we won it back after losing it in a four nil win and then nothing, to be honest what would be the point, they are so poor its hardly a contest, and I mean that with the greatest of respect and no boasting, the gulf is just too big now.

all these memories are what builds the character of a Kilmarnock fan, the first trips to Ibrox and that and the old firm coming down to us have lost all novelty but things like an Ayr game never lose their shine, that’s because that is sheer rivalry, equally felt, as I said before, no one really is that bothered about us. Don’t get me wrong, there was always something there with Partick, due to the amount of time we spent moving up and down the divisions together or St Mirren due to ne'erday games when the scum weren’t in our division, but even these things have passed, our fantastic achievement of cementing our place in the Premier league for so long while other flounder has put paid to that, we associate ourselves with other Premier teams, Celtic, Rangers, Aberdeen, Hearts, Hibs etc. Hello, hello, we are the Killie boys being pinpointed for bigoted scrutiny an example, even leading to a chant in retaliation.

Since I first heard it I thought that the chant "we are not sectarian, we just hate everybody" was quite bold, a fair comment which sums up our feeling of not wanting to be tarred with the brushes used on primarily Celtic and Rangers fans but also the Hearts and Hibs etc. But now thinking about it, it actually seems quite sad, it kind of paints us as an isolated figure, we are not associated with anyone else, we hate everyone. Or is it maybe no one is particularly interested in us? It seem a cry for help, someone please hate us! We will hate you back tenfold, we promise!

I suppose it puts us in a catch 22 situation, do we want a return to lower league football for the sake of a few games against the scum? No, do we hell. Do we want them to have some sort of rise from the ashes and make the premier league? No, get it up them. Should we bring back the Ayrshire Cup? Well, what’s the use, it would be a pointless exercise, and Girvin could possibly knock them out! Do we really want to go back to the days when pubs got turned over by opposing team fans for a reason other than just because there are 10thousand bigots and our chairman would rather see cash than Killie fans, again no, but a buzz about the town for certain games would be fantastic.

so where does that leave us, we want a rivalry, but no one will give us one, we have one or had one, but they are so awful and have been for so long that our fan base is slowly evolving into one which doesn’t recognise them fully as what they are, and I will say it again for anyone who hasn’t grasped the jist of the article, OUR ONLY RIVALS! But we don’t play them, and chances are wont play them anytime in the future, god, this article is actually quite depressing, I feel so alone! Need to let off some steam, shout something soothing, something like,

Get it up ye's ya south Symington scumbags! mone the Killie!

That’s better, now lets just as a body of support keep Ayr alive in the thoughts of our fans through singing and telling jokes at their expense as they cant keep up their end of the bargain and challenge us on the park.

All together now, if I had the wings of a sparrow...........

Ruud Kerouac

How a tried to link Football and Baseball using a book as my mentor and a right skint team as an example

On my holidays last year I read a book about finding the secret of success in baseball, this might seem to most people as a total waste of time, but stick with me because I am going to attempt to link it to my team, a team with not a pot to piss in money wise; Killie!

The book in question is Moneyball by Michael Lewis and centres around the time the author spent following the Oakland A’s general manager Billy Beane.

Actually this is a pish poor entrance to what I am trying to say, what I am trying to say is that I am a big baseball fan, all stemming from a holiday in Canada where I went to watch the Toronto blue jays, since then I have watched it on channel 5 and now the NASN (top channel by the way). In the major league baseball, MLB as I will call it, there are certain rules as regards wages and money in general. And like any major team sports there are the big rich teams that everyone loves to hate, namely the New York Yankees! They are the richest team with the biggest salary and all the negative feeling from rival fans that are attributed to the Rangers and Sellics of our own wee country. On the channel 5 coverage this book is name checked every once in a while so I checked it out. In American sports there is a salary cap, an amount that each team can spend on their players’ wages, if you go over this amount due to the amount of cash yer rich owner is willing to fire in, you have to pay the other pishy wee teams for the privilege of having a huge wage bill.

The Oakland A’s who this book is about, are one of those pishy wee teams, they are at the time of writing which was 3 or 4 years ago amongst the bottom 3 or 4 wage bills in the whole of the MLB. 2002 season Yankees payroll $126 million dollars, the A’s $40. How can it be possible to compete when the financial difference in what teams are doing is so far?

Well the Oakland A’s did compete, they reached the playoffs with just such a payroll, however when there they hit the skids but this was because the system employed didn’t stretch o cup knockout style of competition more the long hard slog of the season.

I feel as if I’m not being clear with this, what became clear to me during the season was how I felt I was reading about Kilmarnock, a big league player but without the big league money to compete successfully, not just in terms of book balancing which we are continually told is success, no the real success that fans want teams winning and goals being scored, that sort of thing, the book talks of the science of winning an unfair game, if that doesn’t resonate with Kilmarnock fans, what will? When I was reading the book, the idea that this system could work for us kept creeping into my mind and since finishing it I still haven’t worked out how it could be possible so what I am trying to do is ask if anyone out there is a maths whiz, a statistics fiend who would be intrigued by what I am saying and read the book and apply it to our own Scottish problems, I would do it myself but sadly I am neither a maths whiz or statistically minded and read the book in July and still don’t know how to work it, although I am certain there is something that can be done!

So far, so the longest ever introduction. I have still to describe what was done, well that might not take long, but here goes, Billy Beane the general manager and ex player decided to go against the usual scouting system and reading of stats which had been around for years, he employed a statistics and maths man, a Harvard educated man called Paul DePodesta, who had came up with a new way to look at baseball players performance and how they are scouted. Traditionally the crème de la crème of the players were said to be 5 tool players, ability to run, throw, field, hit and hit with power, this is why we always hear about the Barry Bonds and Alex Rodriguez’s, they are the traditional 5 tool players. Also the stats looked at were things that most non baseball fans but sports fans would understand without knowing a lot about the game, lots of home runs good, stolen bases means speed so again good. However their was many teams, Texas rangers, Baltimore orioles who were spending shit loads on wages for 5 tool players and getting nothing in return, no post season play off action.

What DePodesta implemented was a system that looked at run generation, what tools were needed to generate runs. Simply because to win games you need to score runs and if your big hitting money guzzling player keeps striking out because he is slumping then you cant win games. Him and Beane looked at stats of how often they got on base, whether by singles or walks (this is all a bit technical if your not well versed in baseball terminology, think rounders, a player needs to go round the 4 bases, 1st, 2nd, 3rd and home, they can do it 1 at a time, or more depending how far they hit it) if the player is on base they have a better chance of scoring in an inning. So their new stats criteria is fed into a computer and as all the stats from major league and minor league and the up and coming college players are recorded they search for players that fitted the bill. And it threw up some real oddities, really fat guys, really old guys, really young guys but all guys that the major clubs didn’t want as they weren’t the archetypal 5tool player. But these guys could generate runs. So to put it in football speak, they had a player called Jason Giambi who they traded to the New York Yankees, he was a five tool player, but was at the end of his contract so instead of simply letting him be released they picked up some players for him, what he could do as 1 player, hit run and field they picked up 3 cheaper players who did his job. so we have sold Naismith, we now look for players who take as many shots as him perhaps and complete as many dribbles, or set up as many goals and see in the whole of Scotland who fits the bill, ultimately were looking for consistency rather than mavericks. If players consistently shoot they will eventually be rewarded with goals. I think.

Another point that Beane and DePodesta came up with was that some positions that the rest of baseball thought was a key position they didn’t. the closers role in baseball is to come in and pitch at the end of tight games when you are up by a few runs and strike out the opposition without losing any runs, these guys get paid a fortune because they are supposed to be so composed and unflappable, but Beane feels that this is false economy, any pitcher at any point can strike out 3 in a row so why the pressure and ultimate esteem on this closer. So he used to breed closers, they got the runs on the board with their tremendous hitting so he used to make anyone of his pitchers the closer, and then punt them for a fortune because he never coveted the position. In football, it could be goalkeepers, not that I am knocking the role but, much emphasis is put on them, how they improve with age for example, which seems to be all bullshit, some of the best goalies are great at 19! So why not produce them, put them in a winning team and punt them? Or another position, that is merely an example, a position where traditionally certain merits are put on it but actually don’t mean much. Impossibly tall centre halves, penalty specialists, free kick specialists, these things can be coached, practiced and marketed to a point where other teams have to have them.

Anyway, this book made for fascinating reading, the A’s won more games than anyone that season, but blew it in the playoffs. Billy Beane came across as a bit of a megalomaniac but was still alright with it. And in the after word it was said that Billy Beane had received calls letters and emails from NFL teams, NHL teams the lot about how he did it, what his secret was, and it was at this point that I really saw that the potential for it to work in this country could be achieved to a degree. A lot of other baseball teams work in this manner now as a result.
So again, this isn’t my answer to the problems we face as fans of a provincial team, constantly fighting a battle against the increasingly rich opponents. But if were not getting in any fairy godfather with more money than sense then is this something we should look at? nor the examples I gave actually what I think should happen, as I said I read the book months ago and came up with nothing, I’m simply trying to get across the points in the book to people who dont understand the glorified rounders as its known on these shores, but, and it’s a big but, surely its something someone can look at? And finally this isn’t a dig at the current scouting or any of the players we have on the books or have been signed recently, merely an idea. The book was an eye-opener for me and would be for any sports fan; you don’t need to understand baseball to get its concept though it helps if you do get the terminology. Surely we have at least one genius fan who reads this gets it and thinks it could be worked out in some way, if there is they can borrow ma copy of the book!

Ruud Kerouac

2008 dreams for Killie

It’s a new year and here are some things I would like to see at rugby park, home of the famous Kilmarnock FC, and my favourite team, in the next 12 months.

1. Horizontal stripes: Its time we ditch the stripes! There I said it, my neck size is 16inches so makes sure the noose on the rope I will be hung with at the cross isn’t too tight!
Here is how I see it though, every year we bring out a new kit, a scandal in itself I suppose but how we work and have worked for more than ten years so cant really say much and every year we bring out a blue and white striped strip. Subtle differences are there, thicker stripes, an all blue back, slight changes in shades of blue, fading blue into whites, but essentially blue and white stripes. And I feel its same old same old, but its not just me who I am thinking about, mainly it’s the parents who have to shell out for a strip for their kid or even worse kids, how does a mum who knows the square route of f all about football justify the fact that her kid needs a new forty quid blue and white striped t shirt (basically what it is) every year. But back to me, I am sick and tired of shelling out for the same thing every year, its time for a change, lets make it this year.

My preference is hoops, it is something that sadly has been associated with they horrible green and white things sweaty folk from the east end of Glasgow wear all the time, pulled of with aplomb when teamed with a slightly garish but definitely overpriced tracksuit. But its time to take it from its evil captors, its time we were resplendent in blue and white hoops. In fact no, let them keep their horrible word, it just upsets people, lets start next season by running out the tunnel in blue and white horizontal stripes! A simple bit of word play puts the ball back in our court!

Or maybe we rip off ideas from strips around the world, Ajax’s design of thick red down the middle can be changed to thick blue, this was actually used im sure in the 70s or so but way before my time and well prime for a revival! Or a river plate style diagonal strip from shoulder to opposite hip, this could be blue with white stripe or white with blue. Or the all white top we had in our first season back in the premier league and our first visit back to European territory, not time for a recall? Or the Croatian checker board style in blue and white naturally, why not use that?

Maybe that is a step to far, but the concept is right in my mind so that as each new season comes were not entirely sure what the new design will be, a bit of intrigue could be injected into something which has become boring and drab, the Killie open day or whatever it is called now would have a reason as fans would be eager to see what the new design would be for the upcoming season. And its not as if I am saying bin the stripes for ever, I am definitely not, I just think they should be put on the back burner every once in a while, try something different be unique be creative!

And don’t give me this Inter Milan don’t change their stripes or you wouldn’t see Real in anything but all white, put it this way, you wont see a Killie strip on sale in Either of those cities but both are available in ours, that tells me that there is a bigger market for them and they can sell millions of the same thing every year without seeing a drop in profit, we are dealing with a select band of people, a small bunch who would shell out for a kit and its time we offered something new!

STOP PRESS! A wee further aside to new strips, lets get them out in decent fashion, none of this one coming out on the open day and the other in October, I mean October, are you having a laugh, not only is the strip only out for a season but we can only buy it for ¾s of it, not good enough, one out for our summer holidays please, home or away it doesn’t matter, so we can spread the good word while we walk around sweating in it in Spain, scared to take it off incase folk we don’t know see our flabby bellies.

2. A decent Scottish Cup run: not as outlandish as you might think, lets just blitz this Scottish Cup malarkey! Seriously, our path to the league cup final was eventful, and a kind draw could see us do well, the semis in April would be terrific. Actually a kind draw is the least of our problems, our dismal record against lower league teams means that a shed load of luck would be nice but we have had no luck so far this season with injuries so good luck in the cup could rectify the karma of our season!

3. A sugar daddy: surely we can attract one, we could attack his weakness for his “Scotch” roots and love of Johnnie Walkers whisky. The new owners of Coventry City also had a pop at buying Man City so it mustn’t matter who they get as long as they get a club so why not us!

4. No title party: this may seem a bit un-ambitious but I think it’s a 3 yr plan for us to win the league, so what I am getting at is a Rangers or Celtic shindig at our patch. They are horrible experiences and we also have to endure the red tops painting us as the bad guys for not letting the bigots party. Shame on us we should have definitely gave them the majority of our seats, god, were only the home team and a small band of supporters, the wing of the main stand would have been more than ample. Eh no, Jim Traynor and other such tabloid hacks (slightly unfair as I enjoy reading Traynors columns and feel that argumentative journalism helps keep football in the limelight) get yourselves hunted, if they want to party get back up to their own house and do it, leave us alone!

5. Some new players: a real injection of players could be done with and January is the only time to get them for this season. At the last window we lost Leven and Greer plus Naisy obviously but the loss of Leven and Greer may not have seemed that important but both players played more than 20games I think last season and that experience is severely lacking this. Full thing is looking stale so new blood would be super. And come the summer can we have our new signings before the season starts, gets the fans going to preseason games and gives us some talking points and hope for the new campaign, nothing as boring as watching last season players go through what is then called “simply a chance to get some fitness” nup, new players please and if their not plaing get them doing keepy uppys and parading the strip at half time or something.
6. Half decent pre season: a decent wee tour of somewhere the fans can get to and go nuts instead of hiding away in Italy and playing waiters twice, and some actual glamour ties at home, I remember Alan Shearer treating our ground opening as the world cup final in front of a full house and pishing all over us, it was actually good and still remember it fondly, borefest against Derby I don’t. So why don’t we go searching for the champions of something or other, and steer clear of Leicester in front of a few thousand.

7. League reconstruction: a bit late in the day but its time we got rid of a the boring boring 12 team format, why would you go to Ibrox in the pishing rain in November to get leathered when you know you can go back in may? Playing the same teams all the time is boring. Once Gretna are confirmed as down which may be march and the scabby two are out of sight then all games are meaningless. But wait is that not the excuse for no league expansion, too many meaningless games? Well I think we will be playing a fair few later this season! 16 team league please. 15 away trips and no second bites of the cherry, increase in crowds the country over I guarantee!
8. European Football: kind of a continuation of number two, a decent cup run could put us in the situation where we could get a spot in the final, god at this stage im not even wanting to win it, a final tie against the league winners would put us in Europe without even contemplating winning it! I spent a few days in Paris in September watchin the football and it was alright, few beers and a wee victory, all n all…THE BEST WEDNESDAY EVER! So its about time we had some stories to tell of the time we got f$*ked over the head by truncheon wielded by the Spanish polis or something. Though probably our run would end in a nightmare trip to Kazakhstan never mind a glamour tie in Madrid!

that’s about it, basically I just want money, glamour, style and success! No problems, I should probably add world peace, a win on the lottery and Britney Spears to be my ironing lady as they are equally likely.

Seriously if I was just to get one next year it would be the horizontal striped strip to be worn with pride on opening day of season 2008/2009. This may sound mad but I feel the rest would click into place from there on in and continue for seasons to come, our new look would be the talk of the country and the money men would take notice, also players of a higher calibre would relish the opportunity to play in such an attractive strip, this would lea to a better pre season (somehow!?) title parties? Pah, these would be nail biters as we would be amongst the elite ourselves, and league reconstruction would follow as our performance would mean that the rest would have to pull their socks up and new blood would be needed so the old firm had their whipping boys still, euro football next, that champions league music playing and the big ball bouncing on the centre circle, Killie fans lined up right down to the new flats we don’t own, waiting to buy their three match bundles, the papers full of news about Killie and their next opponents in the Champions league, they would use the word cracks, ie. German cracks or Italian cracks, which is a phrase I personally love and only gets used in the run up to European football. Through all this it would emerge that I was the person who started the ball rolling on this and because of all the suits I would require for doing the talk shows I would need a ironing lady, cue ms. Spears. The lottery is a gimme and world peace is a myth.

EASY!

Actually its only January, I am giving up drinking.

Happy New Year!

Ruud Kerouac